I think I'm suffering from a lack of faith in human kind. Actually, I know it. Perhaps Dayton gets his autism from me, because I'm starting to think that either: a) I'm a wee bit autistic, b) I'm super naive, c) I'm just plain dumb and should dye my hair blond and change my name to "Bubbles", or d) I'm suffering from schizophrenia (and no people, settle down, I'm not making fun of people who have schizophrenia, I'm serious!!!).
Any of these options is a sign that I'm in some serious trouble. A combination of them could mean serious consequences to the next person that asks me a question if I'm not heavily medicated.
It appears that someone I thought I could trust with my son, my life, my reason for living, has been talking smack about Dayton, me, myself and I. Calling me a fat you know what among other names that I just don't feel comfortable repeating as I refuse to believe that I'm anything but a lady... Yeah, it could be me being delusional, but I'd like to think of myself as one, so I won't repeat the nasty names. But even worse, she called my son the 'r' word. You know the one, the one that raises the hair on the back of your neck like a rooster in heat... The one that makes you want to peck the one who utters it to death. The dreaded 'r' word. I can't even type it. And I'm devastated. How could she betray me this way???
Aaaaaaaaaachew! Excuse me.... just allergic to fake-a$$ness...
This same woman I defended from a disturbed, knife wielding ex husband who wanted to show her how he felt. The same woman that had no food to feed her kids, so I opened my freezer to share what I had. The same woman who didn't have the money for her medications so I opened my wallet and paid for it... The same woman I would give my life for if necessary, if in doubt, go back to the beginning of this paragraph.
I'd like to know what happened to humanity. I'd like to know what happened to friendship. I'd like to know what happened to trust, compassion and love for the innocent.
Just feeling like a missing puzzle piece, that doesn't quite fit in anywhere. Are Dayton and I truly alone? Is it really just Dayton and I against the world? Is his dad right when he tells me I shouldn't get close to people and that I care too much, to stop being a pushover?
I don't like having my last feeling hurt, and I don't want to turn my heart into stone just to be able to survive, but maybe that's exactly what I need to be doing in order to protect my son and I. Maybe I need to stop caring about what others need and how I can help, and just take care of my own.
Are all people like this? Did I miss a lesson in school where they taught us about how to discern lies from the truth? I feel like maybe I need the same pictures I use to teach Dayton facial expressions... you know, happy, sad, angry, tired, bored... Or maybe I just need to hook people up to a lie detector every time I feel the urge to make a new friend. Maybe I just need to stay at home and become a hermit. Life would be so much simpler that way... but also rather boring. I don't think I could live like that.
So, I think I need to rid myself of all neurotypical thinking people. I don't want to be all alone in the world, and I crave human companionship. So, I think I'll stick to my own kind. Get to know other autism parents and just hang with them. I'm tired of explaining autism. I'm tired of constantly being on guard. I'm tired of being on alert all the time. I just want to sit back and relax, knowing that the people I'm with 'understand' without having to explain a darn thing.
I'm finding the more I understand my son and the way he thinks, 'normal' people make less and less sense to me. I'm not kidding. For example, this woman's fifteen year old daughter is quite comfortable swearing her head off at me... and I'm thinkin' when I was that age, if I even thought some of the words she text me, my dad would take off his belt, and beat the profanity out of me. There's no way I'd ever get away talking to an adult that way. Times have changed... Given the option of having a child with a cognitive disability or having a 'neurotypical,' self centred, egotistical, disrespectful, unappreciative jack ass, I don't think it would be difficult for me to make the choice to choose Dayton all over again.
I will never look back at life with what if's (what if I actually had a choice), because any path or choice that didn't include Dayton would have left my life pointless. He is the joy of my life, the missing piece of the puzzle to my heart, my reason for living. He is my son, and I love him with all my heart and soul. I just have to keep remembering that God gives these special children only to capable parents, to the ones who have a huge heart, and are trusted to love God's special little angels.
Thanks for listening to me vent. Considering myself hugged,
Lou
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