Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Cancer... I Hate You

I've  been busy avoiding this post for the last few weeks, but it seems I have no choice.  The time has come.  We're facing some difficult challenges in the next few weeks.  Cancer.  I hate that word.

One of my favorite people on Glen's side of the family, his father (and truth be told, Glen's dad is my favorite person on his side of the family), has been diagnosed with stage 4 adenocarcinoma of the lungs.  No surgeon will operate on him, and he's lost so much weight...  I'm struggling with the decision to go home (B.C, two provinces away), knowing that I'll push everyone out of the way and fight my way to him to take care of him...  Upsetting everyone in my way, I'm sure.  I just don't trust anyone to do it right...  You know what I mean?  I'm like that with everything in my life.  And even though he's not my dad, I just want to do right by him.  I don't want to see him suffer, and I desperately want to help him...

I've tried to discuss this with Dayton, but he's just not old enough to understand.  I suppose that's a good thing.  Unfortunately, I'm a little testy...

So last night, my son tells me "I'm afraid of going on an airplane mamma."
"Babe, you've been on an airplane before, many times.  You loved the airplane rides!"
"I don't want to go on the plane."
"Babe, you're gonna love the plane ride, trust me."
"I said I'm not going on the plane."
"No, you said you don't want to go on the plane, and I'm telling you that we're going on the plane, you're going to have a good time flying, and I'll be right beside you."
"But what if the plane crashes?"
"Mamma's gonna wrap her arms around you, and if the plane crashes, it will hurt me, but you will survive."
"Whew.  OK."

And I'm thinking "OK?"  What do you mean "OK?"
"Babe, do you not care if I get hurt?"
"Yes, but I care more about me."
"Only ouch for you, not for me, you promised."
Double ouch.  What the hell?  I'm really trying hard not to get hurt by his words, but man!  Seriously?!  Does he not love me at all?  Ugh!  He's just like his father!  No, wait, I don't mean that...  Is he like his father?  I've got bigger problems than I thought...

So, after booking the flights, I'm gonna be busy getting picture schedules ready (thank God for the iPod touch), social stories ready to get Dayton prepared for the change of scenery and different faces, different routine, two hour time difference...  what else am I forgetting?  There's so much to do!  These circumstances are difficult enough to deal with without the autism, I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this.  I wish I could take my respite worker with me, but someone's got to stay behind and look after the damn cat.  Ugh.  

I'm going to be greedy this time, and consider myself hugged, just this once.  Hope you all understand.


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