The Dreaded IEP Meetings

It's that time of the year again, the time when parents are called to the school to review their child's progress and talk about expectations for the new school year in September.

This year is different for me.  Regardless of what the staff thinks of me, my boy's done good this year, thanks to a wonderful teacher who actually cares about him and his education.  It wasn't always this way.

At one time (until last year, from grade one until grade three), education had become an "us" (parents) versus "them" (teachers, guidance cousnellors and principals).  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  Did we not have the same goal here, that is to teach my son how to become a productive member of society?  And how is a parent supposed to feel comfortable during meetings when it feels like the school staff are the probation officers and you and your child are petty criminals?  How do both parties come up with an amicable resolution to your child's education when there's this underlying perception that it is you, the parent, that are the cause of your child's behaviour?

Having had a break from feeling like a criminal this past year, as well as having the chance to meet some really wonderful EA's this past year, I now wonder how teachers feel...  Teachers and educational assistants who are percieved by the parents to be the cause of the child's behavioral issues?  Our pride rears its ugly head and denies, denies and denies that our child could possibly be what they describe.  My most famous comment to teachers is "wow, are you sure you're describing my babe?  I mean, he sure doesn't behave like that at home..."

It seems in the chaos we all forget that the child is a person of his own.  Yes, the child learns things by observing parental behavior, but he/she also learns from teacher behavior as well as their classmates from school.  I think that at this point in Dayton's life, he is more likely to learn most of his behviours from he classmates then us adults.  It's no longer cool to look up to us old folk.

So, to recap the year for Dayton:  He's made some great progress, especially when it comes to controlling his impulses to strike out at people who 'annoy' him.  Dayton's been using his words much more affectively rather than his fists.  Thank heavens!!!

The meeting was friendly, with no digs towards my parenting, which was awesome!  All of us were smiling and focused on Dayton's strengths.  While Dayton didn't meet all of his goals on his Individual Education Plan (IEP), we didn't get all gloomy about it.

The only part that made me sad and apprehensive is Dayton's grade level...  While he will be heading into grade five next September, my babe is intellectually sitting at a grade one level...  Make that beginning grade one level.  While I've always worried about my son, I'm terrified now.  What does this mean for his future?  Was I wrong?  Was I in denial believing my son will be a contributing member of society?  I'm scared.


As my dad Paul always says, consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

IEP Hero... And Yes, I Have Pictures To Prove It!!!

IEP meetings, actually, come to think of it, any meeting with your child's school can be a traumatic, emotionally draining experience for a parent with a child on the autism spectrum. I've managed to survive so far, with the help of CFS, CSS, Dayton's behavioural specialist and Valium.  The most traumatic meeting, and I do mean traumatic, was the meeting I had for Dayton's level III funding for a full time aid so he could be autistic all day as opposed to half the day.  It left me feeling raw, humiliated and in need of extra Valium downed with lots of wine.  I remember last year's IEP meeting where I ended up getting sick (I mean literally SICK) and went home to vomit and remain sick for a few days after the fact.  What I would have given for a hero!

Anyone's spouse talk like this?  LOL!  Don't you wish they did!!!

For more pictures like these (my stomach still hurts from laughing), check out www.extremeparenthood.com

I am more than grateful for the support I have received in the last two years, and even more grateful that I no longer need the support of CFS, CSS and Dayton's behavioural specialist this year.  With the new principal and new teacher who understand that I am a good parent, and that I have not neglected my child, that I have not contributed to Dayton's autism in any way, I have a sense of trust in Dayton's school this year.  In saying this, there are many parents out there not as fortunate as I am today.  For those of you still struggling out there, take a look at this article.  I wish I had read it three years ago.

http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2012/01/06/fewer-parents-iep-meetings/14726/

For anyone out there still struggling with anything regarding their child on the autism spectrum and in need of a shoulder to cry on, a good cup of coffee and a sense of community of people that UNDERSTAND what you're going through, check out www.pacewithasd.com.  We're in the process of getting a place for the kids to hang out and feel accepted among their peers.  Information to follow once we've successfully secured a meeting place.  Also, check this website for our parent Coffee Addicts Anonymous get togethers where we encourage and support one another on a weekly basis.



Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Our IEP (Individual Education Plan) Meeting

It's nice to be able to write this with a smile on my face.  How proud am I?!  Super proud of my boy and his accomplishments this year.  Super proud of all his hard work.  Super grateful to his educational assistant and teacher.

The resource teacher was surprised I had decided to go alone to this IEP meeting.  I've always gone in with an enormous team to back me up, mostly for the school's benefit then my own, so that when parenting questions arose, I could have a CFS worker there telling them that my parenting was just fine, and that they needed to focus on Dayton's schooling instead of my parenting.  Remember in my last post I mentioned that until recently I didn't like hurting people's feelings or being rude or standing up for myself?  Yeah, since that's changed, I'm good to go to school by myself...

It seems the staff received the message from my team last year, as this year's IEP meeting was more than pleasant.  We were all smiling, all proud of Dayton and all talking about Dayton rather than what's happening at home.  What a refreshing change!

I loved sitting beside Dayton's new teacher, a woman I've only met once before.  This woman is an angel in my eyes.  She clearly gets my babe!  I'm just amazed at how this is possible, when he's never had a teacher 'get him' before.  She spoke clearly, and was very knowledgeable of Dayton's strengths and weaknesses and had clear cut ideas on how to reach his IEP goals.  She kept talking about Dayton as though she's spent time with him, something that's never happened before with any other teacher!  Holly cow, this woman spends time with my baby!!!  I couldn't stop staring at her, like she was a new, sparkly, shiny toy...  and I'm sure by the end of the meeting, she must have thought Dayton clearly got his autism from his 'weirdo mother.'  I've never had a teacher speak about Dayton in this way before.  I mean, she 'gets him!'  I'm still a little stunned!

Pretty sure this was the look on my face, it was something like this still when I got home

Sitting across from Dayton's Educational Assistant was fantastic.  Even though I've already told her that I think she's awesome, I still wanted to thank her in front of the principal that she is fantastic and that I'm grateful for all the work she's done with Dayton.

I'm a firm believer that without the right people in place, our kids will learn NOTHING.  I'm certain these two women have had a huge impact on Dayton's education this year, and he's made huge gains this year thanks to the work of these fantastic women.

The guidance counsellor, a woman who's doubted my parenting (my opinion) in the past, was pleasant, respectful and helpful!  She even made time for me after our IEP meeting to show me how she teaches 1st graders reading recovery and spelling.  This was very much appreciated as I'm struggling how to explain to Dayton why there's an 'e' at the end of words that is not pronounced, like 'lake, snake, make,' etc.

I think the thing that struck me the most about our separate meeting was that we were actually able to communicate.  We've never been able to do that civilly in the past.  It always ended up with one of us blowing up or me getting emotional and feeling wounded because of her judgemental comments.  I'm not sure what's happened, if I've changed or if she's changed, but I like it.  I like to be able to talk to her as she is involved in my babe's education, and we need to be able to work together.  I think we finally can.

I've been so jilted by the education system until this year, I'm afraid to let my guard down and simply trust.  Once trust is gone, it is so hard to get back.  Do I dare let my guard down?  Should I inch it down just a smidgen?

Baby steps.  How do you take those again?


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

The IEP Meeting

I had blogged about Autism Winnipeg a couple of weeks ago, and how the creator of the Autism Winnipeg Facebook page met up with me to talk about Autism Winnipeg.  Instead of discussing it, she insisted on talking to me about Dayton, and wanted to prepare me for Dayton's upcoming IEP meeting which would be taking place a few days after our talk.  Her pep talk helped immensely, and I took her advice literally:  "I am Teflon!"  Acknowledge the school's remarks and deflect right back at them.  Teflon.

Armed with Marni's pep talk and her image of Teflon, off I went to the Dayton's IEP meeting along with our CFS social worker, Brenda, who has been involved in our family strictly to advocate for Dayton's rights and education in the St. James School Division.  Brenda's like a fire cracker, and I felt confident walking in with her along with Diana, Dayton's social worker for Children With Special Needs And Disabilities.

When we enter the board room, we are met by the school division's special needs co-ordinator.  This will be the first time she'd sit it on any of Dayton's IEP meetings, thanks to to fire cracker social worker from CFS.  Somehow, her word carries more weight than mine.  There's also the school division's child psychologist, again, her first time involved in Dayton's IEP meeting as well.  The Occupational Therapist and Speech Therapist are not available for the meeting.  Surprise, surprise!  The Occupational Therapist has only observed Dayton's classroom once, and the Speech Therapist has not yet seen Dayton, as far as I know.  The principal, guidance counselor, Dayton's classroom teacher, his aid, and the resource teacher were also present.

The guidance counselor, a real piece of work, sits there with a fake smile on her face.  Her and I do not get along.  She seems to think I'm some how beneath her, and she thinks the same of my husband.  She's the one who's called CFS on myself and my husband claiming that Dayton has access to Glen's hunting rifle, and that Dayton was going to come to school and shoot them all on the first call (the principal had also called the police), and the second time she called CFS because Dayton had cut a picture of a man bent over and another man with a paddle tapping his tushy.  Apparently Dayton told them that "daddy paddles my butt" and they took him literally (who's autistic now?!).  This guidance counselor is also the one that sent me the email I had posted on the blog asking me whether or not I feed Dayton breakfast...  She thinks that Glen and I have created (and I quote) "a hostile environment" for Dayton at home by allowing him to play with water guns in the summer, Nerf guns all through the year and of course because Glen has played the "Call of Duty" video game with Dayton.  While I am not a big fan of guns, and may not agree with Dayton playing "Call of Duty" with his dad, it doesn't seem to matter where we go:  the play ground, the swimming pool, or his 6 year old buddy's house, we run into the same problem.  The boys and girls at the swimming pool are playing with water guns, the boys on the playground have brought out their toy guns and his 6 year old buddy plays "Call of Duty" all the time. 

Anyways, back to the IEP meeting...
That woman (the guidance counselor)!!!  Unbelievable!!!  Grrrrrrrr...  I guess there's just no pleasing me I suppose, but that woman!!!  Pardon the expression, but I hate it when people try to blow smoke up my butt!!!

Remember the email I had posted on the blog titled "Email to Ms. Cruella Deville, aka Dayton's Principal?"  The one where I said "I walked away from the meeting feeling as though no matter what I say, there will always be that unspoken insinuation that at the core of of Dayton's behavior problem is my parenting.  It has become exhausting to prove to your staff that I am a loving and caring parent, who is trying to instill values and morals in my child."  Well, I think the principal had a little talk with her staff perhaps, because the guidance counselor started the meeting by telling me that she wanted me to know that the entire staff of the school had the utmost respect for me as a parent.  That they were impressed with how I am always advocating for Dayton and that I refuse to give up on him.  I sat there stunned, first at her claim of respect, second at the thought of giving up on my son?!  How dare she voice that out loud? I'm not going to get into the profanities that had run through my head.  This woman sat across the table from me, with this big fake smile on her face, putting on a show for whom?  Certainly not me, she's made it abundantly clear that I am the scum at the bottom of her shoe by her past actions...  Actions speak louder than words she was uttering now.  I'm thinking she wanted to impress Brenda or the her boss from the school division?  Or had the principal forced her to complement me?  Either way, it was not genuine, and definitely not appreciated.  If you respect me, then you will treat me and my child with respect at all times, not just in front of your employers!!!  It took every ounce of strength not to reach across the table and wipe the smug grin off her face.

The show continued on with the guidance counselor telling us all how she thought about Dayton and I during her holidays...  While cleaning out her basement, she had come across a book she used to read to her children, and this children's book reminded her of Dayton and I, then proceeded to read it to us all.  Yes...  she read us all a children's book during the IEP meeting.  Every other IEP meeting we've had took half an hour, this IEP meeting took well over an hour and a half because the first half hour was spent on telling me how much the school staff respects me and reading a children's story...  I had to leave an hour into the meeting to meet Dayton's bus.  None of my questions about his IEP had been answered and the meeting turned into a non meeting as usual.  Again, nothing is accomplished.

Turns out after I left the meeting to pick up Dayton, the guidance counselor showed her true colors to everyone present when Diana had asked for a meeting of all professionals involved in Dayton's education.  The woman LOST it!  Brenda had called me later to let me know that she refused to attend this meeting, and that her face turned red and her lips turned white in anger.  Had it not been for the school child psychologist agreeing with Diana that this meeting is a good idea, the school would never had agreed to it.  Their meeting is next Thursday, and I'm a little stressed over it.  It's a meeting for professionals only, which means I am not to attend the meeting.  If I could be a fly on the wall for this meeting...  Brenda promised to put the guidance counselor in her place during this meeting if she is to exhibit the same type of behavior she had during the IEP meeting...

The guidance counselor also practically "sneered" at Brenda, telling her she knows I've been looking at other schools for Dayton.  Brenda  calmly gave the group an analogy of going to the same grocery store wanting to buy apples, but the store never carried apples.  The store than should not be upset with you for visiting the grocery store next door to purchase your apples, should it?  The St. James School Division only has one Occupational Therapist, and this therapist works for the whole division and works only part time, which is why Dayton has not received any therapy.  Same goes for the speech and the physical therapist.  If the school can not meet Dayton's needs, then we need to explore other schools, right?

Please consider a prayer for us. 
Consider yourselves hugged!!!

Lou