A New Member For Team Dayton!

So, my respite worker quit.  She was great, but needed more hours, and I can appreciate that.

So, I went to the Autism Winnipeg Facebook page to see if anyone knew of anyone that would be interested in helping me out for some extra cash.  And lo and behold... an angel heard my prayer.

Lisa responded to my post within minutes.  I saw her green hair and thought 'wow, spunky little thing isn't she?'  This is exactly the kind of person I need for Dayton, someone with spunk and not shy.  Dayton eats shy for breakfast, and is never quite full, kind of like chinese food.  Within an hour, he's hungry again, and I pity the shy one working with him.

The day before our interview, Lisa text messages me explaining that her hair is now blue, and that she is willing to change her hair color if I think Dayton would freak out.  Awwww...  what a sweetie!  My immediate response was NO WAY!  Dayton's wanted to die his hair blue, but because he's still in elementary school, I won't do it.  The kid's got enough problems with his teachers, let's not add more fuel to the fire.  But summer is coming, and I'll let him so what he wants with his hair.  Maybe Lisa can help me with that.  I have no idea how to get the bright shade of blue her hair is now, and to be honest, while I may be conservative, it kind of looks cool!

The best part about this new respite worker is...  wait for it...  drum roll please...  Lisa has Asperger's.  How blessed am I?  My babe is going to have someone looking after him that understands the way he thinks, that could affectively help him with some coping strategies,  someone who truly 'gets him.'

I've been thinking about PACE, and how to make it encompass more for our kids.  One of my thoughts on the morning of meeting Lisa for the first time was to find successful young adults on the autism spectrum to mentor our young ones.  Lisa totally fits this criteria.  She works at Canadian Tire, and writes THREE blogs:  http://vibrant-oxymoron.blogspot.ca/, http://yeht.blogspot.ca/ and http://bitterambiguity.blogspot.ca/.  Just writing one blog can be tiring, I can't imagine having three!!!

Take a look at her reference letter:

"Notes:


I have not officially been "employed" to care for a person with autism, however my sister was diagnosed at a young age.  I have lived my life assisting with her upbringing and continue to care for her when it comes to the self injurious behaviour and melt downs that she has exhibited from a very young age.  She also processes feelings differently, such as temperature or pain.  I am quite familiar with several people on the autism spectrum, and have great insight when it comes to the way that the autistic mind works.  Needless to say, no two people with autism perceive the world in an identical way - for the most part, however, I have found that the key is simple logic, and explanations which are delivered in such a way that the connotation of the words cannot be mistaken.  It is often I who am called upon to deal with a particular customer at the place in which I work, who has no conception of monetary value, and whom people believe acts "strangely."  When I noticed him initially, I could tell that he was distressed when attempting to communicate with the cashier.  After the cashier too became distressed - after attempting to explain to him that he could not afford his item, and him not quite understanding what she was trying to convey - I approached him and explained the situation to him, in a way that he promptly understood.  I later explained to her and the other cashiers the reason for his atypical movements and speech patterns, as well how to deal with him in a more effective manner if he were to come through their till.  I have since served him many times, and we get along notoriously.  


Although I am uncertain as to the relevance of this fact, it may also interest you to know that I have been diagnosed with Aspergers.  Throughout the past six or seven years, however, I have developed a familiarity, if not understanding, of social conventions and behaviours.  I have been told that it is very difficult at times to tell that I have Aspergers at all, which is wonderful to hear as I have worked very hard to appear - as society generally views it - "normal."  But I digress - I believe that this gives me a unique awareness when it comes to working with those with autism - that, as well as my intensive research into autism spectrum disorders and the implications.


I have also read through the entirety of your blog twice in an attempt to familiarise myself with Dayton and yourself before our meeting.  He seems like a wonderful child!  I would like to add that I am quite familiar with echolalia (and stubborness) as well, and it has never bothered me in the slightest.  I have an abundance of patience.  It may also interest you to know that I am a devoted Christian as well.


I derive great joy from working with children in general, and sincerely hope that you will find me sufficient when it comes to caring for Dayton."


I didn't bother calling her reference.  I think she's more than qualified.

Lisa, if you're reading this, I am thrilled to have you be a part of our lives.  I pray you remain in our lives for a very, very long time.

I'm really feeling good about this.


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Our Morning Of The First Day Of School

Holly crap.  Dayton woke up at 5am all on his own, got dressed, brushed his teeth, showered, brushed his hair, put his shoes on and packed a few things for his lunch...  Never, in his school history has he gotten up two hours early of his own accord, and got ready for school!  Meanwhile, I'm wondering around the house like a zombie as I've only had two hours of sleep, grunting to answer Dayton's questions.  Stumbling around the kitchen with eyes half open, I somehow managed to make coffee, just wished I had the energy to drink it!  You know things are bad when you mentally pray to God to give you the strength to drink your coffee.  Let's face it, coffee is a nectar from the Gods, and if you need to get something accomplished during your day, coffee is a necessity.  In my case, I need coffee to just simply speak.  I wish someone would come up with an intravenous form of coffee...  I'd be willing to be a guini pig in the study, so please, spread the word!!! 

Anyhow...  back to Dayton and his first day of school...  an hour before his bus is to pick him up, Dayton's already asking to go and wait for the bus.  By this time, I've managed to make his lunch, but I'm still grunting responses and trying to finish my first cup of coffee...   And I'm thinking SERIOUSLY?  This is the same kid who swore all summer he's never going back to school!  I'm still trying to figure out where all of his energy is coming from, I mean, the kid refused to go to sleep the night before, staying up until close to 1am, and now he's up sooooo early...  What's happened to the kid that has to sleep eight to ten hours a day?!  So I end up walking to the bus stop with Dayton twenty minutes early, carrying my first cup of coffee with me.

The bus of course is fifteen minutes late, as it is the first day of school...  I was expecting that, and as much as I tried to prepare Dayton for it, he wasn't as understanding as I was.  Go figure, I'm the one that spazes all the time, and yet I'm remaining calm (probably due to lack of caffeine), and Dayton's going nuts.  His autism kicks in...
"The city bus has come by already mamma, where's my bus?!  The city bus always comes before my bus.  Call the bus mamma, they forgot about me."
"Babe, they could never forget about you sweetie.  It's the first day of school.  Many parents forget during the two months how long it takes to get their kids out the door, they're running late, which makes your bus late."
"But my bus ALWAYS comes after the city bus!!!"  A little melt down...  Then another change...  A school bus we think is ours, turns into the high school across the street where we live...  Holly crap...
"Maaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaa!!!"  Now we've got a wee bit of a melt down, but it's OK.  I've sucked back the rest of my coffee by now.  I'm alive!  I can take care of this!

Thank God our bus came within minutes of the blow out.  Dayton calmed down when he saw the bus slow down and recognize his bus driver.  He got on the bus, looked out the window and gave me a lil' wave.  Big grin on his face.  He may be nine, and he looks like he's nine, but this morning's melt down reminded me of a five year old.  At this point all I can do is pray the rest of his day goes well.  New teacher, new principal, new aid...  Definitely clutching my cell phone beside me all day long.  Two choices, back to bed or more coffee?  Back to bed it is, with my phone on the pillow beside me, just in case.  No call from the school.

3:10pm.  I'm outside waiting for Dayton's bus, wearing my bathing suit and sarong, so if Dayton had a rough day, he'd be excited at seeing me knowing my attire meant we would be going swimming.  I see the bus round the corner and become a little nervous.  Dayton comes off the bus, and he's SMILING!!!  Wow!!!  On our walk home, he tells me how hard he worked "my first day of grade four.  Grade four is really hard mom, but I did good work, just like you told me too.  I did what the teacher said.  I kept my hands to myself.  I did good mamma!!!"
"What kind of work did you do?  Tell me everything, right from the beginning!"
"I almost fell asleep on the bus, but I didn't.  I got to school, met my teacher and my aid, and the kids in my class.  I fell asleep and didn't wake up until the recess bell rang.  hahahaha."
"Really?  You slept in class?  What was your aid doing?"
"Oh, she was tired too."
"Hahahaha.  Tell me more.  What happened next."
"Then my tummy hurt, but the principal said I had to stay at school and not go home yet, cause it might get better.  Then we had art class, and we had to draw our sneaker and I did.  Mrs. H (his aid) helped me where I got stuck.  I did most of it all by myself."
"Wow Dayton, that's fantastic!  So, do you like your new teacher?"
"She's really good, better than Mrs. D.  I like Mrs. H, but I miss Mr. J (Dayton's last year's aid)."
"OK, so what makes you like this year's teacher better Dayton?"
"She understand me."
"You mean you understand her?  Her instruction?  You understand what she wants you to do?"
"Yeah, and she's nice."

Hey, if he's comfortable, I'm comfortable too.  I'm super happy he's doing work, and listening to his teachers.

"Then my teacher got sick too.  So the new principal came in to teach us.  I like him too.  He didn't give me any trouble."
"Well, could that be because you listened to him, did your work, and did what you were asked to do without fighting?"
"Maybe.  I like him."
"That's great Dayton.  I'm so glad you like your teacher, your aid and the new principal.  That's awesome!"

I pray this good relationship continues.  Everyone's had the summer off to relax and rejuvenate, so I hope the good vibes don't end once everyone gets into routine and feels overwhelmed with work.  I pray Dayton is right, and that his teacher does understand Dayton, and that Dayton understands her too.  I pray for a year of success. 


Praying for a year of success for all of our little ones.  Consider yourselves hugged,


Lou

My Acceptance Of Dayton's Diagnoses

 I say diagnoses as he has many, but the most life altering one is obviously the autism one.  Dayton's ADHD can be challenging as he has a fire lit under his butt most of the time and needs to touch everything twice in 15 minutes, but it really doesn't impair his learning as much as the PDD-NOS diagnosis. 

We've gone through the steps of grief, and I don't have it all together yet, but acceptance is the act of letting go and allowing Dayton to be who he is peacefully.  I hope all of us parents can do this, not for the sake of my cause, but for you and your child.  Acceptance does not mean you will not worry about your child's future.  But...  you will see your child improve and be much, much happier. 

I fear for this unpredictable child who is not only out of step with the world, but whose feet rarely touch the ground.  With his insatiable curiosity and hardheaded drive, will he beat paths of greatness and discovery, the likes of Winston Churchill or Michelangelo?  I want to believe that.  Or will he find his measure of happiness drifting in and out of this world, living solely off his enthusiasm, imagination, and penchant for living life to its fullest?

Then one day I saw Dayton clearly in the lines of Henry David Thoreau.  He wrote, "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.  Let him step to the music which he hears."

I quit beating my drum for conformity and listened to his beat for a while.  His pace was a bit more relaxed, the order of his schedule a bit different.  For example, watching a caterpillar cross the driveway took precedent over taking a bath.  Finishing a pair of homemade stilts preceded dinner.  The awe of discovering newborn birds in the spouting beat reading about "Look At Spot Run."

Knowing about mental flexibility helps you to accept those behaviors that are resistant to change and better understand some of the behaviors you have previously found unacceptable.  What would have driven you crazy before, now can even be viewed as endearing.  As situations arise, you are better equipped to pick your battles, deciding whether to address it and explain, or accept it and enjoy who they are at that moment in time.  Understanding the impact that lack of mental flexibility has on their behavior can go a long way towards improving the quality of life for all involved. 

If you're struggling in recognizing your child's mental flexibility, drop me an email and lets talk about it. 

Acceptance.  It goes hand in hand with understanding.  Once you take the time to observe your child, and ask yourself questions as "who, what, where, when and how," you will get the understanding.  Put yourself in your child's shoes and see through his/her eyes.  Once you come to understand, you will accept.  Understanding takes time and patience.  Trust me, I'm as inpatient as one can get, so if I can do it, so can you.

I always thought that I would have so much to teach my child, but I find that it is my child who has taught me.  I'm beginning to appreciate Dayton for his differences.  I know it's changed many of my previous perspectives and made me a different person.  Much, much different, and I have my son to thank for this.  I am perfectly, imperfect.

Now stop beating the drum of conformity.  Put the drum down, and just back away...  Your child will connect much more strongly with you, and work on conforming on his own time.  The more we force it, the more they will resist.  In his or her own time, they will pick the drum up themselves.  

Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Your Life Is In Danger By My Son?!

Oy Vey...  Yes, It's been one of them days.

Apparently Dayton (keep in mind the little rascal weighs 60 lbs and stands about 4'2") has threatened to hurt his teacher, by kicking HER in the "balls where it will really hurt..."  Yes, I said HER. 

Dayton was sitting at his table with his peers, cutting out action figures with weapons as he likes to do on a daily basis.  This is nothing new.  Nothing out of the ordinary (the school has no idea how to stop him, and has allowed it to continue), but this time his teacher demanded he hand over the scissors.  Not sure in what moment of insanity she figured he'd comply as he cuts with these scissors EVERY DAY.  Of course Dayton said no.  Of course he did.  You can't just decide one day that the boy can't cut anymore.  The more she urged to to hand the scissors over, the more he argued that he wasn't "finished."

If there's one thing that every parent knows, and so should every educator, if your child on the autism spectrum is in the middle of doing something, telling him to stop before he's finished is not a good idea.  Unless of course he is being a danger to himself or others, let's not get stupid here.  If Dayton is working on a project, he literally can not move on to anything else until he is finished.  Transitioning from Math to Science on a drop of a dime is next to impossible for him.  He needs to have notice.  If he's playing outside and of course I'm outside supervising his play and trying to use some of the therapists advice, blah, blah, blah, I need to give him at least a 10 minute warning that we will be heading in soon.  Then again let him know he has 8 minutes, then 6 minutes, then 4 minutes, then 2 minutes then 1 minute.  I have to carry a freaking timer where ever I go.  He needs NOTICE so that he is prepared to transition to another activity.  Period.  I've told the school this many, many times.  If I have to tell them again, I'm going lose my ever living mind.

So Dayton's teacher does not give him any notice, and demands him to hand over the scissors.  Can you see where this is going?  I'm sure you can...

After the third demand, Dayton lost it.  He told her he would stab her with the scissors (totally inappropriate, I know it, you know it) and kicked her in the shin.  Awesome (being sarcastic here).  Then tells her the next time he will "kick her in the balls where it really hurts."  This incident took place on April 19th.  I was not told about the incident until 10 days after the fact.  When I was told about it, I was presented with a formal, five page "Threat Incident Report" with the word "CONFIDENTIAL" stamped on each page.

I ask the principal why the sudden change in report.  She's always sent me an email or if she had to write up an incident report, it was typed on a sheet of paper with her signature at the bottom.  The difference this time is because the Dayton's teacher felt her life was in danger!!!  Awwwwwesoooome!!!  How does a 170 lb adult fear a 60 lb child?!  Someone please answer this question!  Through flaring nostrils the principal tells me that Manitoba Education is coming for a visit to the school...  Ahhh, so the truth finally comes out...

"Ahhh, so advocating for my child has consequences then..."
"That's not what I said..."
"That's the message I'm getting.  You know this report is 10 days old.  Why hadn't someone contacted me?"
"You weren't contacted?"
"Nope.  So I want a copy of this report please."
"We're not suppose to give you a copy, it clearly states that one copy goes to the School Division and the other copy remains with the school and no additional copies are permitted in circulation."
"I'm not leaving without a copy of this report.  I have all day.  I'm on medical leave." 
I got the copy.

Clearly, Dayton's educators have no control over Dayton, in fact, it's the other way around.  How is he supposed to learn from these so called "professionals?"  It amazes me each time I speak with the principal, how Dayton is cursing, hitting and threatening, while at home he wouldn't dare to swear at me or strike me.  While I understand that there are thirty children in the classroom, he does also have a full time aid that should be at his side.  This aid should understand Dayton by now, he's been with him since September.   The aid should also be in charge of Dayton, not the other way around.

I think it's safe to say that at the root of Dayton's behavior problem is a simple notion called RESPECT.  Dayton respects me, and I respect him back in return.  I recognize when he's upset, when he's tired, and when he needs a break and intervene.  Why?  Not because I'm his mother, but because I understand that without the intervention, Dayton's behavior will get out of control.  Also, as his mother, I am in charge of the situation.  Dayton knowing I respect him, also knows I have his best interest at heart.  If he doesn't feel he's respected or understood (which he is not at school), he will take matters in his own hands.  This is not just Dayton as a child with autism, but Dayton as a child, period.



This in no way means that I condone Dayton's behavior.  Absolutely not!  But I do understand it. 




Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou