Life's Just Too Short

This post has nothing to do about autism.



I've had a rough week, both professionally and personally.  One of my favourite patients passed away, after just recently re-marrying.  He was 43 years old, and talking to his wife, something she said really hit home for me...

"After 14 years of being married to an asshole, I finally found the right man.  And now he's gone."

Later, I found out my co-worker's 21 year old sister in law was killed in a car crash.  The wedding took place last summer.  I feel horrible for the family...  No one should lose someone so young...

21 years old.  Seems like a life time ago for me.  43...  

And so I think of my life.

I've had two major surgeries:  a hysterectomy and a bilateral mastectomy to ensure I live past the age of 35.  I'm a wee bit older than that, no need to worry about my age, but it's always been in the back of my mind to be grateful for the extension of my life.

Today, I'm thinking about how to spend the extra years...  have I truly been happy with my life?  Is there anything I can do to make it better?  Healthier for both Dayton and I?  Happier?

The answer is a resounding YES!!!  But change is scary, and there are no guarantees starting something new.  The unknown is a scary place to be.  Not knowing expectations and boundaries, afraid of 'messing up.'  I've never been one to take a chance or a risk.  I am a creature of habit, comfortable in knowing how my day looks like ahead, even though I know I won't be happy with it.

That is coming to an end.  I will no longer walk on eggshells.  I will do as I please and laugh when I want to laugh.  That is not to say that I'm going to become a complete jerk.  I'm not about to go out and blurt whatever's on my mind and tell people they need a hair cut or a change in stylists.  I am not a cruel person.

I'm done pretending for other's happiness.  I'm moving on with my life, and taking risks and chances along the way.  I'm going to be happy, and share my happiness with people I care about.  And for those that have hurt me, I'm no longer willing to bend over backwards for their happiness.

Marilyn Monroe said it best:  "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I'm out of control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!"  Totally sounds like me and where I am at this point in my life.

Anyways, if you're worried you're on my black list, here's a simple way to know where I've placed you on my priority list:  The only people who matter to me are those who treat me like I matter to them.  I think that's fair, wouldn't you agree?



Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

In My Dreams

I remember a time, before Dayton's birth when I dreamt of what "family" for me would look like.  I envisioned a football team of children in my home, a doting husband and father, proud of his clan, a big dog who would teach my little ones how to walk and there was the white picket fence too... and a garden, and, and, and I didn't lose my figure after pumping out that football team...  Silly, naive girl...

I honestly thought marriage would make a lady out of me, my husband, well...  He would be a true gentleman, opening doors for me and showering me with his undying love and attention.  He would be my knight in shining armour and protect me from any nightmare.  I thought having children would complete us, and we would be ever so happy.

Turns out the knight in shining armour is just a man wrapped in tin foil, and children, while lovely, can cause arguments in a marriage.  Some arguments can not be patched up.  Especially when one parent is continually (all right, obsessively) learning about autism, trying to help their child in whatever means they can, coming to his defence even when not necessary, while the other one sits in denial.  Perhaps not in denial, but definitely not on board of education about autism.

I never once thought about the possibility of autism entering my life.  Rain Man's main character Raymond Babbitt, played by Dustin Hoffman, represented autism, and all autistic people.  A spectrum?  I figured people were talking about the colours of the rainbow, or Centrum Vitamins.

So here I am, wondering how on earth I got here.  How did my life fall so far away from the dream I had envisioned?

I blame television.  That and Walt Disney.  Snow White.  Cinderella.  The person who T-boned me less then a month ago.  Anyone but myself.  Because let's face it.  I bear no responsibility, do I?

In today's world, we all blame others for things gone wrong in our lives, yet not once do we look at where the fault may lie within ourselves.  I was young, foolish, and naive.  I believed life was a fairy tale.  I thought the world was beautiful.

Then I grew up.

Believe it or not, we have a choice in how we live our lives.  It's our responsibility.  We can sit there and blame autism for our unhappiness or we can use autism as our strength.  I've chosen to look at it as a strength a long time ago, but there are still others out there who feel sorry for themselves...  What a pity.

I look at my son, and think how different my life is.  How full it is of love, compassion and did I mention love?

I love my babe.  He's everything to me.

And I love my friends.  They are my family.  But there's one friend in particular I couldn't live without, and that is my...

Maybe I'll just keep you guessing.  I know, how frustrating.


Consider yourselves hugged, and loved,

Lou

The Playstation

I had the news on while preparing supper, and a story came on about a fifteen year old arsonist.  I sat down and watched the news story, 'shooshing' Dayton when he'd bring his loud toys into the living room.  He sat down beside me and watched the story.  We saw pictures of firemen working hard to put out the fire or at least prevent it from spreading into the neighboring houses.

Clearly, seeing the house in flames made an impact on Dayton.  After the story, he turned to me and asked:  "Mamma, if our house was on fire, would you rescue my playstation?"
"Yes babe, I'd come back for your playstation after I knew you were safe.  But Dayton, I have a question for you...  If I went back into the house for the playstation, would you not worry about me?  What if you had to decide between my life and the playstation?  Which would you pick?"

I cringed.  Never, ever ask a child with autism a question you're not prepared to have answered bluntly.  Knowing the playstation is Dayton's most prized possession, I knew I may lose to the playstation.  I held my breath in anticipation...

"Hmmmmm...  Never mind mamma, I'd just call dad to come and get it out of the fire."  Whew!  I thought he'd pick the playstation over me!  Hopefully he still feels the love for me after this summer.  We're hitting the books and I'm hoping to improve his reading skills as well as his math.  Writing may be tougher, so I'm thinking of having him work on my laptop.  If I could just teach him to spell, whether by pen and paper or laptop, I'll be one happy mamma!!!  Having Dayton go to grade four next year, knowing that students in this grade are expected to learn from what they read, makes me sad for Dayton.  While I understand that this is why he has an IEP in place, it still makes it hard for me to watch him struggle and see how far behind he is of his peers...

Do I dare ask him this question in September again?

I hope everyone has a fantastic long weekend!  We're going camping this weekend, so you'll hear from me once I'm back home on Monday or Tuesday.

Happy Canada Day!!!


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

To Integrate Or Not To Integrate, Why Bother Asking, It's Not Like a Parent Has a Choice

I had the good fortune of hearing my dad's voice on the phone the other night.  He's in Olds, AB right now, working hard, far away from home.  He said he came upon an article that he had to share with me, as it made him think of Dayton.

My dad was born hearing impaired.  I had no idea that there is a Deaf Community Culture out there, similar to the Autism Community Cultures we have.  There are many groups out there working hard to bring about Autism Awareness, probably more so in the States than here in Canada.  In the States, they've dedicated the whole month of April towards Autism Awareness!  Well done!  All these communities work on awareness, acceptance and appreciation for diversity.

One particular Autism group comes to mind in respect to searching for, well... RESPECT for diversity - Age of Autism.  Another is Autism Speaks.

There are many, many adults who have been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder, who take strong offense at the idea of someone 'fixing' their autism.  They also don't agree with the idea that vaccinations play a roll in triggering the autism spectrum.  Their goal is to be respected and accepted for who they are as individuals and ask others to stop trying to 'fix' them, as they are not 'broken.'  And what is it, may I ask...  that integration in our schools teaches our children?  Does it really teach to embrace diversity, or does it teach the children with 'issues' to conform to the 'norm?'  Does mainstreaming our kiddos teach all children to accept each other for who they are, or is it to try and teach my child to 'pretend' to be 'normal?'  Ugh...  I hate the word normal... 

While talking to my dad, he asked me to substitute the word Deaf for the word Autism, and see whether or not I thought the author's writing relates to what Dayton suffers through in school...  I ask for you to take my dad's advice as well.

In no way am I stating that deafness is the same as having autism, but there are definitely some similarities.  Adults and children on the autism spectrum disorder, often have sensory processing issues (also known as SPD).  Most on the spectrum have what's called an auditory processing problem.  Dayton most certainly does.  When I asked Dayton "hey buddy, what's two plus two," he just looked at me as though he saw a third eye growing out of my forehead.  After many frustrating attempts at having Dayton answer my question, I finally gave up asking my question verbally, but I'm a stubborn woman.  I know full well my son knows the answer and I'm not letting this go.  I grab a piece of paper and write out my query as numbers instead of words...  "Ohhhh..." he says.  "Why didn't you ask me like this before momma?"  Instead of answering me verbally, Dayton wrote the number 4 beside the math question...

The following is quoted from Deaf Culture:  About the Deaf Community:

http://www.signlanguageresourcesinc.com/page.cfm?page=960

even well-meaning attempts to integrate deaf people into hearing society may actually imprison them in a zone of silence. Jostled by a crowd but unable to communicate, they are effectively alone. The problem is especially acute in schools, where mainstreaming has led to the decline of residential schools for the disabled and the deaf and the integration of many such students into ordinary public schools. Since deafness is rare, affecting one child in a thousand, deaf students are thinly scattered. As a result, half of all deaf children in public school have either no deaf classmates at all or very few.

"Mainstreaming deaf children in regular public-school programs," the prominent deaf educator Leo Jacobs writes, will produce "a new generation of of educational failures" and "frustrated and unfulfilled adults." Another deaf spokesman, Mervin Garretson, is even harsher. The danger of mainstreaming, he contends, is that def children could be "educationally, vocationally, and emotionally mutilated."

Most classroom teaching is done by speaking.  If my child has auditory processing issues, how can he contribute to the rest of the class?  If he can't follow verbal instruction, how can he possibly learn in a mainstreamed classroom?   How does this affect my babe's self esteem?  "emotionally mutilated." 

There's a reason why I have a picture schedule for Dayton in our main washroom, and believe me, it is not because the drawings add to the decor.  How I wish I could simply tell Dayton "get ready for school buddy."  He wouldn't even know where to begin!!!  I have to give him one instruction at a time in order for him to comply, not because he's defiant, but because he literally CAN'T. Which brings me back to asking why are we so focused on integration and mainstreaming?  Is it not more important to ensure that our children get a quality education by professionals who understand their way of thinking?  I think it's time for the government to step up to the plate and do what's right, not politically correct.


"If you were a droplet of water placed into the ocean, could you pull yourself out or would you simply blend with the waters?"  Pulling yourself out means you're a unique individual, something everyone strides to be once hitting puberty.  That's why we have kids dressing in 'goth,' expressing themselves with make up or trying to start a new 'fad.'  Yet, we demand our children blend into the waters.  They must be 'just like the other children.'  In the same breath, we ask ourselves and others to 'think outside the box.'  Could it be possible that our kiddos are doing exactly that?  Thinking outside that proverbial box?







Consider yourselves hugged,


Lou

PS.  Thanks dad for sharing this link with me!!!