In My Dreams

I remember a time, before Dayton's birth when I dreamt of what "family" for me would look like.  I envisioned a football team of children in my home, a doting husband and father, proud of his clan, a big dog who would teach my little ones how to walk and there was the white picket fence too... and a garden, and, and, and I didn't lose my figure after pumping out that football team...  Silly, naive girl...

I honestly thought marriage would make a lady out of me, my husband, well...  He would be a true gentleman, opening doors for me and showering me with his undying love and attention.  He would be my knight in shining armour and protect me from any nightmare.  I thought having children would complete us, and we would be ever so happy.

Turns out the knight in shining armour is just a man wrapped in tin foil, and children, while lovely, can cause arguments in a marriage.  Some arguments can not be patched up.  Especially when one parent is continually (all right, obsessively) learning about autism, trying to help their child in whatever means they can, coming to his defence even when not necessary, while the other one sits in denial.  Perhaps not in denial, but definitely not on board of education about autism.

I never once thought about the possibility of autism entering my life.  Rain Man's main character Raymond Babbitt, played by Dustin Hoffman, represented autism, and all autistic people.  A spectrum?  I figured people were talking about the colours of the rainbow, or Centrum Vitamins.

So here I am, wondering how on earth I got here.  How did my life fall so far away from the dream I had envisioned?

I blame television.  That and Walt Disney.  Snow White.  Cinderella.  The person who T-boned me less then a month ago.  Anyone but myself.  Because let's face it.  I bear no responsibility, do I?

In today's world, we all blame others for things gone wrong in our lives, yet not once do we look at where the fault may lie within ourselves.  I was young, foolish, and naive.  I believed life was a fairy tale.  I thought the world was beautiful.

Then I grew up.

Believe it or not, we have a choice in how we live our lives.  It's our responsibility.  We can sit there and blame autism for our unhappiness or we can use autism as our strength.  I've chosen to look at it as a strength a long time ago, but there are still others out there who feel sorry for themselves...  What a pity.

I look at my son, and think how different my life is.  How full it is of love, compassion and did I mention love?

I love my babe.  He's everything to me.

And I love my friends.  They are my family.  But there's one friend in particular I couldn't live without, and that is my...

Maybe I'll just keep you guessing.  I know, how frustrating.


Consider yourselves hugged, and loved,

Lou