This post has nothing to do about autism.
I've had a rough week, both professionally and personally. One of my favourite patients passed away, after just recently re-marrying. He was 43 years old, and talking to his wife, something she said really hit home for me...
"After 14 years of being married to an asshole, I finally found the right man. And now he's gone."
Later, I found out my co-worker's 21 year old sister in law was killed in a car crash. The wedding took place last summer. I feel horrible for the family... No one should lose someone so young...
21 years old. Seems like a life time ago for me. 43...
And so I think of my life.
I've had two major surgeries: a hysterectomy and a bilateral mastectomy to ensure I live past the age of 35. I'm a wee bit older than that, no need to worry about my age, but it's always been in the back of my mind to be grateful for the extension of my life.
Today, I'm thinking about how to spend the extra years... have I truly been happy with my life? Is there anything I can do to make it better? Healthier for both Dayton and I? Happier?
The answer is a resounding YES!!! But change is scary, and there are no guarantees starting something new. The unknown is a scary place to be. Not knowing expectations and boundaries, afraid of 'messing up.' I've never been one to take a chance or a risk. I am a creature of habit, comfortable in knowing how my day looks like ahead, even though I know I won't be happy with it.
That is coming to an end. I will no longer walk on eggshells. I will do as I please and laugh when I want to laugh. That is not to say that I'm going to become a complete jerk. I'm not about to go out and blurt whatever's on my mind and tell people they need a hair cut or a change in stylists. I am not a cruel person.
I'm done pretending for other's happiness. I'm moving on with my life, and taking risks and chances along the way. I'm going to be happy, and share my happiness with people I care about. And for those that have hurt me, I'm no longer willing to bend over backwards for their happiness.
Marilyn Monroe said it best: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!" Totally sounds like me and where I am at this point in my life.
Anyways, if you're worried you're on my black list, here's a simple way to know where I've placed you on my priority list: The only people who matter to me are those who treat me like I matter to them. I think that's fair, wouldn't you agree?
Consider yourselves hugged,