And Here We Are... The New And Improved Brady Bunch Family!

I've gone from having one child to having nine.  Yes, I said nine.

My room mate and I have four, my boyfriend has five more.  That's nine.  And out of the nine, five are on the autism spectrum.  God created a world of diversity...  not to separate us for our differences, but to teach us acceptance and to love each other for what makes us unique.  And my family is unique...  Autism means I won't lead an ordinary life, I will lead an extraordinary life!!!

How do my boyfriend and I do it?  How do we make it through the day?  Well...  we believe in the power of vegetables.  That's right, I said vegetables; they give us the energy to get through the day.  Since we fully and completely believe that coffee comes from beans (I dare you to challenge me on this), we figure the ten pots of coffee consumed between us during the course of the day covers our daily recommended amount of vegetables, which in turn gives us the energy to tackle the kids.  Extra 'vegetables' are consumed on our Tuesday night PACE KID GYMBOREE evenings to take on more children and play hard.

My room mate thinks I'm nuts.  She may have a point, I've been known to be a wee bit of a nut sometimes, but even though I'm different, sometimes you gotta love me, right?  Right??  Right?!  Dayton's dad laughs and ridicules me every time he calls to speak to Dayton when I'm at my boyfriend's place because he hears the kids screaming in the background...  Neither one of them views life in the same way I do:  One of the most attractive, sexiest traits a man can have is being a good daddy.  While genes may make you a father, they certainly don't make you a daddy.  Daddy is the guy who sits up with the kids, stands up for them at their IEP meetings and would gladly lay his life on the line for all of them.  He's also the guy who comes to the PACE KID'S GYMBOREE and plays hard with all the kids present instead of just sitting on the side lines, consumed with something else entirely.

Come on!!!  Who wouldn't find this attractive?!  In love these Ryan Gosling pics, so here's some more from Extreme Parenting...

Now, while my boyfriend looks nothing like Ryan Gosling, he is the man behind these words.  This is just how he is.  Caring, giving, and completely 100% involved  when it comes to the kids.  And after a long day with the kids, he turns to me and gives me 100% of his attention...  Wow.  A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...  oh, sorry...  that's wine...  wine does that.  An easy mistake to make...  But seriously, he's the best.  He makes me feel special and important.  Judy Garland said it best:  "For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but into my heart.  It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."  That's what he does for me.  And for now, that is enough.  That's every girl's dream.

And then of course there are the children.  I've always wanted a house full of kids.  And now I do.  I don't care who you are, no matter what, no matter how old you may be...  hugs from children make everything better.  Getting a hug from a child with autism and sensory issues...  priceless!  You know you're truly loved when that happens.

Now if I could just get them all to behave...

Am & K (12 and 14 years old, both have autism) like to eat everything in sight first thing in the morning and hide wrappers all over the house.  They also like to get up at 5am; it doesn't matter if it's a weekday or not, they're up at 5am and that's final.  We've tried putting them to bed late, but it doesn't make a difference.  Once they're up, the rest of the house wakes as these two are not graceful like their father.  I swear, these two could totally pass for my own, biological kids.  They share my 'swag.'  Dayton, my first and only born (10, turning 11 next month!) is not a morning person...  not unless it's the weekend.  So the three of my babes before medication are a handful together.  Especially when they all believe they are right, but don't agree on anything.  Their motto seems to be "Even though we disagree, you are entitled to your opinion, just don't say it out loud or there will be hell to pay.  You have every right to be wrong.  Once I say you're wrong, stop talking!"  Oh yeah baby...  we're moving like a herd of turtles through a field of peanut butter now!  This argument has the stamina to last for hours of fun.  But do not fear. I believe that for every set back, God has a major come back.  So I do what I can, and let God take over with what I can't handle, sit down at the kitchen table and sip on my vegetables.

At, (age 5, super hyper and we question ADHD) is my little Marilyn Monroe.  She's a diva, and she makes sure everyone in the house knows it.  It's her way or all hell breaks loose.  She's blond, with curly hair (when I said Marilyn Monroe, I meant it), super cute, and she knows it and uses it to her full advantage.  The girl knows what she wants and gets it, irregardless of the cost.

J is 4, a little small for his age as he was born premature.  He's a little trooper.  J was the one of the bunch that took a while to earn his trust.  Now that I have it, he's attached at my hip, literally.  He was the first to call me momma (other than Dayton of course), and the first to run to the door to greet me.  J also practically worships the ground Dayton walks on and has just recently decided to call him 'brother.'

J & At have taught me that the more annoying a toy, the longer the battery lasts...  A story all of its own for another time.

As is 18 going on 30.  She's recently moved in with her grandpa and I don't get to spend nearly as much time with her as I'd like to.  Her Asperger's, OCD, ADHD and other conditions make her an interesting young woman, whom I've become very proud of.  She has her first job, and has had it since the summer.  This may seem to be just another mile stone for some of you, but it's a major thing to us.  She's also received the Queen Elizabeth II Diamond Jubilee Medal for her efforts in Special Olympics!!!  Who can say that about their kids?  Yes, I know...  I'm oozing with pride that I have no right to, as it wasn't I who raised her.  Her mother was a wonderful and amazing woman who taught her daughter well.  I have the privilege of watching her daughter continue on with the Special Olympics and once in a while, offer 'motherly' advice.  We both know that I could never, ever fill her mother's shoes.  

My room mate's kids don't call me mom, but they have occasionally called me their 'other mother.'  And if there's any doubt as to their love for me, they remind me they consider me their mom by their behaviour towards me.

B (17) is the daughter every mom dreams of.  She's smart, on the honor roll at school and wants to be a paediatrician.  The girl even has O- blood, (the special kind that anyone can have) which she donates every 62 days.  She cleans the house every Sunday, at which time we make sure the rest of the children and adults leave the house as she gets a wee bit cranky.  Usually, I hide out with Dayton at my boyfriend's place.   Her Christmas card to me read:  "Dear mom, I wish you spent more time at home..."  I love her sooooo much!!!

R (15, with autism) is a good kid who always greets me at the door when he hears my car pull up in the driveway and helps me unpack my car.  There are days where he doesn't speak to me for a week at a time after I scold him for something, usually when he's cranky and does something silly to show everyone how ticked off he is.  Let's just say the basement has been redone twice in two years.  This last summer while moving in, my boyfriend, room mate and I had R help in gutting and restoring the basement.  I think he's learnt his lesson...  He's in the process of getting an autism service dog, who's huge!  R will be doing a lot of walking once we get the dog back to our home, meaning lots of energy spent, less time to get himself into trouble.

M (10 years old) is the boy I love to tease and tease and tease.  He makes it so easy...  When he comes back from his dad's house I chase him around the house, screaming at the top of my lungs how much I love him and how much I've missed him...  The way to get what I want from him is to get him Microsoft points for his x-box...  I've just given him 4, 200 points to get him to stop playing Black Ops in the house...  All right, so the kid has expensive taste.  Oh, and the only thing the kid will eat is CHICKEN!!!  Grrr...  I get even with him by feeding him beef when he misbehaves.

And then of course, I can not forget the cats (Grrr, my room mate has 3 of them).  I'm not particularly fond of them as they (actually it's one of them, and when I figure out which one, we're gonna have some words) shed all over my stuff.  The cats' fur sticks to the furniture, clothes, bedding (that's the one that irritates me the most as I have allergies) and oh yes, AIR.  Things the cats' fur does not stick to?  The cats themselves!  Anyone see my problem here?!  I'm hoping R's autism service dog takes them out one by one...  I've already told M that one of the cats who I suspect is the culprit in the shedding vandalism is old, and may soon part with us do to 'natural' causes.

B also has a small dog, who has turned out to be my best friend.  On days where I feel overwhelmed and stressed due to my darling ex husband, I swear this dog is in tune with me and she nudges me around the house, cuddles with me when I sit and keeps me on my toes.  On days where I'm good, she just plays with me.

Thank you Lord for my health, the people you've surrounded me with, the roof over my head, the food in our belies, the wee bit of change in my pocket the children haven't found, and the song in my heart.  You have blessed my life with my children, and I will thank you every day.

I am just really, really, really happy with my life right now.


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

I Could Pee In This; Happy New Year Mom!

Yup, he peed in my wine glass.  And I drank it.  Gross.  The boy is grounded until further notice.  No joke.  No video games of any kind for the next month.  No Netflix for the next month.  And every time he jokes around about pee I cringe and dry heave.

There is a bond between father and son that I just don't understand.  It doesn't matter what kind of a father the man is, a son will always look up to him.  Not that I'm saying Dayton's dad is a bad guy, I've just seen boys with their dads, and some of these dads are not the best role models.  We'll just leave it at that.

Autism or no autism, Dayton is afraid of betraying his dad.  Not quite sure where he learned what betrayal means, I'm too stunned from the aftermath of his fear of 'betrayal' to have looked into this.  Dayton has a major passion to protect his father, who is 6'3" tall and apparently not able to defend himself against me, a 5'6" woman with the upper body strength of a kitten.

Obeying my rules at home means he's betraying his dad.  I've sported bruised arms, a fat lip, numerous melt downs resulting in being shoved down the stairs as Dayton views being nice and liking me and my new special friend as a betrayal to his father.  All I've asked of Dayton is to sit down at the dinner table to eat, stay seated until everyone's done eating, eat what you put on your plate, don't yell and scream and threaten the kids you're living with, try to get along, share time and toys, and respect people around you as you want to be respected yourself, especially your mother and her friends...

"Don't blame me, I'm just like my daddy."

Yes, yes he is...  but I don't think even "daddy" would pee in my wine glass.

There are days where we all get along well and enjoy each other's company, and then there are days where my new motto kicks into overdrive:
1)   Don't scream, yell or cry.  Dayton doesn't understand social etiquette where someone else's feelings are
      concerned, so he will not do what I expect him to do, making me feel even worse.
2)   Don't give up.  Dayton's worth the fight!
3)   Don't strangle the cats or dog.  Yes, they shed over my stuff, but they're a part of my family.
4)   Don't give up.  All of my kids are worth the struggle of staying sane.
5)   Put the chocolate down
6)   Don't give up.  I love my kids!  On good days, they make me laugh and one of them even gives me a
      massage!
7)   Don't drink anything out of a wine glass unless I've just poured it myself
8)   Don't give up.  One day, as a geriatric mother, I will get even with ALL of my children.  One day...
9)   Do not speak to the ex as I may say something I may regret after my meltdown is over
10) Don't give up.  Life without my babies is not worth living.  The joys of grandmotherhood is just around
      the corner.  I can hardly wait to feed them all candies and send them home!!!


Consider yourselves hugged,


Lou

Executive Decision Making

Divorce...  It's horrible.  He said, she said.  He hurt, she hurt.  He's right, she's right.  Friends who really are not friends (there's a message for you folks at the end of this post).  Money...   I've heard so much crap, my ears are constipated.  And who's left in the middle?  The child.

Divorce is hard enough as it is.  And for the child stuck in the middle, it's even harder.  Parents playing tug of war and using the poor kid as a pawn in the game of thrones happens because both parents figure they know their child best.  Each parent thinks they can do better than the other, and I'll be the first to admit that I feel I can do better than Dayton's dad.  And Dayton's dad thinks he can do better than I can.  Our so called 'mutual friends' are making things worse for Dayton's dad, 'spying' on me on Autism Diva Help and on facebook...  So here we are, with Dayton stuck in the middle.


Seeing my son go through pain is the hardest thing I think I've ever gone through. Especially when everything is out of my hands and I can't help control it (no, I'm not a control freak...  will explain in a bit).


Dentist appointments and child psychologist appointments done separately just doesn't work.  One of the parents needs to stay in charge of these medical issues, it should not be another thing to argue about.  The parent who primarily was in charge in the past should continue to remain in charge, because that is what's best for the child.  The parent who wasn't involved in past has every right to be involved, but should never just take the rains and go their own way because they feel they have "the right" to do this.

But that's a pipe dream.  In reality...  Well...  Oy vey...

Dayton's dad made a decision to take Dayton to the dentist, which I agreed should happen, as long as Dayton went to Children's Dental World which is known to have had good results with children on the autism spectrum.  Instead, Glen made an appointment for Dayton at a location of his choice, then cancelled the appointment because I was coming as I promised Dayton that both daddy and I would be there to support him.  Then when I was done arguing with Glen and text him that he should keep the dental appointment for Dayton as Dayton needed the appointment more than he needed mommy there, Glen re-schedules and then says I'm welcome to come?!  Oy vey...

Long story short, Glen tries to hush me as I explain to the receptionist that Dayton has high functioning autism and oral sensory issues...  No surprise to me, the dentist is not able to do much due to Dayton's sensory issues, including gag reflex.  His back molars may have cavities in them as Dayton's not able to brush the very back of his mouth.  Sooooo...  the dentist refers Dayton to Children's Dental World...  I know...

While this experience infuriated me, as Dayton had to go through discomfort for no reason other than his father's "right" to take him to a dentist, some good did come out of this.  I think his dad sees that I'm not trying to be a control freak.  I think he's starting to see that I am not looking at our son as a pawn in our life, and that while yes, I am a protective mother (my motto:  A mother would kill for her child, die for her child and forgive for her child...  I would do all three at the same time for my son's safety, health and happiness), I'm really not the pathetic, clingy ex-wife he's made me out to be.  I think he finally understands that I don't want him back in my life, and that what I really want is what's best for my baby.  While he may hate me, I think he finally sees that I do know what Dayton's limitations are and what he really needs...  At least that's what I'm choosing to walk away with this weekend.

Oh, and I've learned facebook is the devil.  It appears our mutual friends are adding fuel to the fire by sharing what I have to say on facebook with Dayton's dad.  For example:

My Divorce Party Cake

I'm sorry there are 'friends' out there that are offended by my sense of humour, but I thought this was hilarious!  At this time in my life, I need a good laugh.  I'm certainly not the first, nor will I be the last woman on earth going through a divorce.  To my 'concerned friends,' this too shall pass...  And, keep in mind, sometimes, when you try to help, you're actually making things worse.  Gossiping about me to Dayton's dad and telling them what my thoughts of the day are is really not helping him, it's just making him bitter.  While yes, it causes an argument between us, it is Dayton that pays the price for your stupidity.  Focus your energies on helping the guy, not making him feel worse.  So...  You don't like what I have to say, don't look at my work.  It's really that simple.  In the mean time...
Consider yourselves hugged,


Lou

True Co-Parenting, Fun Times On The Spectrum

I feel like I've regressed back to being a teenager.  Never thought in a million years I'd ever live with a room mate again, and here I am...  Not only am I living with a room mate, but I'm living with four children.  Three boys (Dayton included), one awesome girl.  Two of the four are on the spectrum.  Dayton and an older, teenage version of Dayton.

I thought about living on my own, but knew that if I did, I would:  a) spend more money on rent than I want to as I still want to do things with Dayton, living on our own would not give us much money to do that and with no child support coming in, every penny counts; and b) Dayton would seclude himself further and miss out on making social gains.

Living with a room mate that has a child on the autism spectrum has had its ups and downs. The up side is that I've had a taste of what co-parenting is all about, and wish Dayton's dad and I could tag team the way my room mate and I do.  It's nice having two parents under one roof, even if we're both moms.  And yes, while there are more children for me to co-parent than having Dayton alone, the children work together as a team in EVERYTHING.  When the boys misbehave, they all misbehave.  When they're good, they're all good together.  So, disciplining one means I'm disciplining all as one.  Same with my room mate.  Raising little boys is not just a job. It's an adventure...  with sound effects.  And my room mate's oldest daughter...  I LOVE HER!!!  She's seventeen and more responsible then most adults I know.  She's a blessing to share a home with, and helps with the other three kiddos, cleaning the home and she likes the same kinds of things I do.  Now if I could just be her small, slender size...

On the down side, I don't have the privacy to walk around naked from the shower to my bedroom.  Sometimes when I cry no one sees my tears.  Sometimes when I'm happy no one sees me smile.  But FART!!  Just ONE time...  And everybody in the house knows!

That's it for the down side.

For the first time in my life, I now know what it feels like to co-parent and I LIKE IT!  I like taking the kids to school, picking them up after school and hearing about their day.  I love sitting around the dinner table and having them tell me what they've learned.  I like the serenity (I know, how do you achieve serenity with children, but you haven't lived my life the last few years) of everyone knowing that today we may have had a rough day, but tomorrow's another day.  I love hearing laughter again.  And when the meltdowns come, they don't take nearly as long to diffuse.

At the end of the day, I know everything's going to be all right.  When things get rough, I just remember God's promise to take care of us, always.  God loves the birds, and they don't starve, so he'll take care of Dayton and I too.  As long as we have each other and God in our lives, we'll be fine.


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Dude, Where's My Bed?

A lot has happened since I last posted...  and I apologize for not continue blogging for this past month, but I've been a little busy packing moving and keeping my sanity.  Here's what's happening now...

To say that I'm exhausted is putting it mildly.  Chaos doesn't even begin to describe what my life has become this past month and a half, my summer is gone and the new school year is about to begin.  Where has time gone???  To the basement, literally...

Along with the titles of mother, housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, play mate, peace keeper, entertainer and nurse, you may now give me a well deserved title of carpenter AND painter.  Yeah, that's right.  I helped mud and paint the walls and I didn't even cry until the very last night when I stayed up until 2 am to paint, and until 3 am because I had to drive my girl home after she helped me finish painting.

The walls are up and painted, the bunk beds for the boys are set up, and our life with room mates begins...

We live in a large house, thank goodness as there are now two mothers, a 17 year old daughter, fifteen year old son with autism and ADHD, Dayton (ten years old with PDD-NOS, ADHD, global delays, OCD and ODD) and a 9 year old son, who's sharing the basement and bunking Dayton.

To say Dayton is struggling with the changes happening in our lives is putting it mildly.  Glen has left for work to another province for six weeks, and the boy is going through daddy withdrawals.  While I make sure Dayton gets to talk to his dad every day, it's just not the same as being able to see him and hang out with him.  Dayton's extremely hyper, unable to focus, angry, stubborn, and becoming more and more self focused every day.  Life is all about him now days, and it's driving everyone around us crazy.

Rules, rules and more rules.  Dayton has many rules including what game to play and when with our new room mates and then to top it all off, in the midst of a game, he has a routine to follow and the rest of the kids best follow suit or lose their heads.  Even my dear Lisa who's worked with Dayton for nearly 3 months now has tried her best to explain to the kids that Dayton is not used to sharing and that even at home he would play his playstation game in his bedroom while his dad played in the living room on line with him (dad's idea, not Dayton's, one of the many reasons I've had enough of our lives and decided to move).

Even through all the chaos, there is some good news in my health.  My blood pressure, without any blood pressure medication has stabilized.  Wow.  If I had any self doubts as to whether I've made the right decision of moving, they're all gone now.  I physically feel so much better, a wee bit tired from all the work behind us, and the work looming ahead of us, but I look forward to my new life.

Another change for my new life:  I start my new job today.  And yes, I'm working at another Shoppers Drug Mart pharmacy...  I'm a Shoppers girl, till death do us part.  I love my job and the company I work for.  Selling drugs legally has it's benefits :)


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

New Beginnings

Change is rough on anyone, but add autism to the mix and you've got a world of physical and mental anguish to deal with that sometimes make you want to succumb to their wishes.  Sometimes, but now always.

Dayton and I are moving out, something that's been a work in progress for a while now, but is just now coming to fruition.  Naturally, neither one of us is looking forward to packing it up, but it must be done.  And I'm sooooo tired...

My personal life has been very busy, and trying to please three households is a major task.  I'm really looking forward to sleeping uninterrupted until 8am tomorrow...  Work until 10pm, tuck Dayton into bed, go to my new place and crash until 8am...  That's the plan.  I can hardly wait, as just typing this simple post is making my eye lids so very, very heavy...  No amount of coffee is helping, so I'm now past tired and entering to zone of exhausted.

The big move is next Friday, so I really must start packing.  Pray the boxes don't disrupt Dayton too much.


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Why Do Good Things Have To Come To An End???

Chaos has consumed my life in the past two months.  As you've noticed, blogging has not been a priority in the months leading to summer.  Preparing a child with autism for change is hard work, and believe me, I'm working HARD.

My babe is currently putting me through an emotional roller coaster ride as I've decided that the two of us are moving.  Moving is a huge deal to these kids, and I'm scared out of my mind myself.

To make matters worse, my support system is crumbling away...  My favorite facebook page Autism Winnipeg is dispersing, and it feels like the end of an era.  Many people I've made connections with I've made because of being involved in Autism Winnipeg.  The friends I have today are all members of Autism Winnipeg, and it saddens me that our time with Autism Winnipeg has come to an end.  I am so grateful for the friends I've made through this group, and feel sad for the people I could have met.

Saddest yet is the group being split three different ways...

Autism Manitoba - for parents and caregivers:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/244966218954875/

Autism Winnipeg floor time and RDI:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/floortimerdi/

and finally our very own PACE branched out to make it on our own as Autism Winnipeg PACE:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/462687207094107/

I really hate the idea of Autism Winnipeg splitting up into three different groups, but at least there are options for people to choose from to follow what they want or need.  Autism Winnipeg floor time and RDI is quite specific, and while the group embraces everyone, its main focus is the floor time and RDI therapy.

Autism Manitoba - for parents and caregivers is a fantastic new group designed to group all of us together into one big family, and I thank Crystal for starting this group.  I'm hoping it becomes what Autism Winnipeg started to be.

Autism Winnipeg PACE is Mike's (Superdad) and my own baby.  It's all about the kids and parents getting together to support one another in person.

So, whatever you like, it's there for the grabbing.  Any questions, feel free to contact me.


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou