Schools Threatening Parents With CFS? Yup, They Do That...

Don't worry School Divsion 2...  This is not about you.

I get reader emails once in a while.  Not tons of it, but enough to want to start a newspaper column called Dear Lola the Crazy Diva.  I do my best NOT to blog about emails I receive, but this one is laying heavy on my heart.  I just can't stop thinking about it.  It's really upsetting to me that schools do this all the time, and yet when we as parents call CFS to complain about how schools treat or manhandle our children, nothing is done.

People wonder why our kids are a generation away from barbarianism...  This is why people!!!  We're not allowed to discipline our kids anymore.  Don't even think of raising your voice at them, or the school WILL call CFS.  You will be investigated for abuse, and God help you...  Teacher stuffs a special needs child in a duffel bag, and that's OK, but raise your voice or shove your child out away from danger...  All hell breaks loose, and you've just become the WORST PARENT EVER!!!

Settle down...  I'm not promoting child abuse here folks.  My dad took a belt to me, and I remember it well.  I'm 37 years old and still afraid of my dad.  As a result, we don't have a relationship, leaving me without a family to turn to...  But ch'a know what?  I'm OK.  I'm not breaking and entering, I'm not using drugs, I'm not a drunk, and I pay my taxes...  Have I thought of smacking Dayton with a belt?  Absolutely NOT.  NEVER, EVER would I take a belt to my babe.  Have I smacked his butt?  Yup.  With my hand.  Believe me when I tell you, the boy must have a callused butt or something, because my hand hurt more than his bony, little butt.  Now, before you start dialling CFS, I gave him one swat on a fully clothed butt.  No bruises on his body, but I believe I may have bruised his ego.  Have I raised my voice at my son?  I plead the 5th.  Does Canada have the 5th?  Hmmmm...  I'm sure we do...  Either way, I'm not discussing my parenting style, as I plan on writing a book titled How To Raise The Perfect Child and I'm a gonna make a kill'n on it.

For some reason, kids with special needs are an enormous headache on our schools.  I don't know what the problem is with our educators, but they view our kids' disabilities as a "parenting problem."  Say the word ADHD, and you can literally see their eyes glaze over.  They're not listening to a single word you're telling them after you've said ADHD.  Behavioural issue.  That's all they see.  Tell them you're going through a separation with your spouse, and they're dialling the number to CFS.  I'm not kidding here, that's what's happened to this poor guy who emailed me.  There were other things that went on for this dad of two, but I can't share more because I don't know how many incidences schools have with the same behaviour's and I don't want to jeopardize this dad's chances at an amicable resolution...  if this school is capable of it that is...

I can't be too hard on the schools though.  Dayton's school has been a blessing this year, and his teacher just absolutely amazing.  I've missed triage conferences this week, and the teacher actually emailed me wanting me us to meet up at a more convenient time for her to show me Dayton's work!  I've never had a teacher do that before!!!  She actually cares!!!  Last weekend (yes, you read that right, Saturday evening actually), Dayton's teacher called me at home to discuss his magnet board for earning rewards and was concerned for Dayton, wanting him to feel successful and wanting to WORK WITH ME to tweak the reward system!!!  Again, this is the first time EVER that I've had a teacher do this.  But, not all of us are so lucky.  I know I wasn't last year, or the year before, or the year before that...  Ugh.  I wish I could name Dayton's teacher, so that everyone would know who this amazing woman is.  It's killing me not being able to share with you all, and let you know that she is real and not a figment of my imagination...  Now, back to this poor dad's problem, a problem most of us face.

Schools will always call CFS on a kid with a label.  This is not coming from me, but from a CFS worker I used to work with.  Yes, I worked with a CFS worker, and no, no one made me.  I loved her.  She was a fire cracker.  Dayton's school's biggest threat was to call CFS (which they did three times), so I brought CFS to them.  The school didn't like that AT ALL.  Their power over me was gone.  Nothing left to threaten me with.  As you know, I always carry a little crazy with me, you just never know when it will come in handy, and it sure did last year when I'd finally had enough of their BS.  It was the best thing I ever did.

So yes, schools do use CFS to threaten parents.  It sucks, but it's very, very true.  The way to get around it?  Even though uncomfortable, invite them in your home, it's not like you have anything to hide, unless of course you DO have a gun hiding under your bed.  Invite CFS to ALL school meetings.  You would be surprised how helpful CFS can be TO THE PARENT!  Take whatever CFS offers you, for example:  counselling.  Counselling never hurt anyone, and let's face it, raising a child with disabilities is NOT an easy task.  Some of us have no families to turn to, and it's nice to have someone to vent to.  Not only that, but maybe, just maybe, they might have suggestions in parenting.  You just never know until you keep an open mind and give it a shot.

By the way...  The CFS worker/fire cracker told me to get used to it...  That's right, schools will call CFS on you many, many times, especially those of us who have kids with ADHD and kids on the autism spectrum.  Awesome.  And those of us with kids diagnosed with PDD-NOS...  well, it appears that we are haunted by threats of CFS the most.  FANTASTIC!!!  So, buckle up folks, we're in for a loooooong ride.  Personally, I've got eight years left to go.  I think I can make it.  If not, there's always Valium.  And wine, mommy's little helper.


Consider yourselves hugged,


Lou

Autism Night Before Christmas

Wow, wish I had the wit this woman obviously does.  I just had to share with all of you.  Hope you enjoy as much as I did.

Autism Night Before Christmas
by Cindy Waeltermann

Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse

We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract

The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head

Did I get the right gift
The right color and style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?

Our relatives come
But they don’t understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.

“He needs discipline,” they say
“Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent…”
And on goes the attack

We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side

We know what it’s like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions…

But what they don’t know
And what they don’t see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity

He said “hello”
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!

He peed on the potty
Who cares if he’s ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!

Others don’t realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope

But what they don’t see
Is the joy we can’t hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride

We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,

But what they don’t know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.

We don’t get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings

Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.

They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky

So to those who don’t get it
Or can’t get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I’ll assure you

That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You’ll look at me
With respect, even shock.

You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you

That you won’t say a thing
You’ll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned…….

Consider yourselves hugged y'all!

Lou

When, Heaven Forbid, Chocolate Fails, Try A Margarita.

Yup.  I'm having one of them days.  I love my friends, I really, really do, but the friends that are not autism parents tend to drive me nuts sometimes.  It's not their fault, really.  They're not faced with autism the way I am every day.  They don't understand, nor do they need to.  But there are times where I really wish they'd keep their freaking opinions to themselves, know what I mean?

"What Dayton really needs a good swift kick in the butt."
Yeah...  I felt like shoving my foot up this victim's butt, but unfortunately I got whiplash from whipping my head to face her.
"He's not autistic, he looks fine."
"He's a little hyper, you medicate him for that, right?"  While in the same sentence she asks me if I forgot to give him his meds this morning.
"Oh well...  I've heard of kids not really speaking until they hit five, cause they have nothing to say.  Wasn't it Einstein that didn't talk till he was five?  He made out well, didn't he?"
"Dayton's a lot smarter than you give him credit for.  He's a bright kid, you just need to stop using the "autism card."
"You baby Dayton way too much.  You should let him play outside without you sitting there watching him like a hawk.  How is he suppose to become self sufficient when you won't let him fight his own battles?"  (This coming from the same mom that told me that Dayton's not allowed to play with her son because Dayton always ends up hurting him).
After Dayton gets into a fight with another child:  "What that boy needs is a good spank."  Then I turn around and tell the parent:  "If you could teach your kid some manners and have him stop calling my child a retard, Dayton wouldn't have had to defend himself."
"Dayton's not autistic Lou, he's just like any other kid."  Really?  Is that why he rings your door bell and laughs when you answer it?  Most children would say "hey, can I play with little Joey?"  Not Dayton...  He rings the door bell and laughs when the person answers it, not knowing what to say, or what his purpose is. 
My all time favorite comes from Dayton's school...  "what Dayton needs is some DISCIPLINE."  Hmmmm, yes, I can see how his autism would go away, he just needs some discipline. 

Let's take a look at an example, shall we?  It's summer!!!  On our way to the beach, just a short distance away, how many of us have walked on gravel because we're just to lazy to lace up our shoes...  It's only a few steps, no biggy, right?  All the way, you're thinking "ouch, ouch, ouch, should have put my damn shoes on.  In what moment of insanity did I think walking bare foot on hot coals from hell was a brilliant idea?"  Well, autism is kind of like that, in that it keeps a parent on their toes, but for children like Dayton who are undersensative and need more stimulation that others, he can run through that same hot gravel.  His pain threshold is super high, and sometimes scary.  For instance, last year's May long weekend's camping trip ended up with Dayton breaking his foot in three different places by jumping from the top of the play structure to the ground.  In tears (which rarely happens), he tells me his foot hurts.  I brush the tears away, examine his foot which looks just fine, comfort as much as he will allow me, and ask him "babe, would you feel better and stop crying if I get you some ice cream?"  He nodded a brave yes, and wiped the rest of his tears away.  He stopped crying immediately!  I sat beside him and watch him lick his ice cream, smiling away.  He seemed happy and carefree, confirming my suspicion that he was 'just fine.'

He limped all the way back to our campsite, but by evening, he was running around in circles!  Holly cow!  We went home the next day, and at bed time I saw his foot was swollen a tiny bit, but Dayton didn't complain.  He went to school the next day, limping a little, and I felt guilty going to work, but figured he was OK.  After work, I decided it wouldn't hurt to have his foot examined by a doctor.  Sure enough, it was broken in three places...  Had it been me, I'd have been crying, screaming, raging in pain, writhing on the floor and refusing to get up, in essence, having a melt down.  There's no way I'd be able to put my shoe on, never mind run around with a busted foot.

Today, I left Dayton with a babysitter and went out with a girlfriend for a little me time.  About an hour into me time, I get a call from the babysitter...  Dayton got sick and vomit all over her sofa...  He then walked across to the love seat, and tried wiping the vomit onto the love seat, trying to hide the fact that he got sick because he wanted to go swimming.  Just thinking that a neurotypical kid of nine years old would probably get a cloth to wipe up the vomit...   He then told his babysitter that the "cat puked."  I asked to speak to Dayton, who told me he was feeling fantastic:  "Momma, please tell Amy to take me swimming!!!  I wanna swim!!!  I'm feeling good momma.  I don't know what happened."

He was fine all day, running around like the mad little monkey only my son can imitate.  After talking to Amy, she said my man was typical Dayton, running around, stopped long enough to get sick (less than a minute), then started running again!  Hmmmmm...  Really shouldn't be surprising to me.  I can't even count how many times I was called by Dayton's school to come and pick him up early because he wasn't feeling well, sometimes as early as half an hour into his first class!  By the time I got him home, he was back to normal.  How many neurotypical kids can do that?

So, today, when my friend tried to convince me that Dayton doesn't have autism, that I need to stop treating him differently and stop using the "autism card" for everything he does, I had some chocolate.  It didn't work, I wanted a cigarette so badly, but I've been trying to quit smoking, so I turned to the next best thing.  As soon as my friends hear the blender going, they know I'm having a margarita, which means whatever they've just told me has not been appreciated.  I made two, brought it out to the patio, but my friend ran off.  Maybe she thought I'd dump a margarita over her head?  She knows me so well!  Oh well, more for me!!!


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

An Email To The Premier Of Manitoba Regarding Our Children With Autism Spectrum Disorders

Dear Mr. Premier,

This email is written to you in the hopes of getting your attention to the problems faced by parents with children on the Autism Spectrum.  I ask that you read this email with an open mind, and recognize that I am not merely criticizing the school system, but desperately seeking some change.  My son Dayton's diagnoses are as follows:  Global Delays, ADHD and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, a very, very high functioning form of Autism).

First, I would like to say that I am very pleased that the government does not shun our children into a "special school" where the building is considered more of a dumping ground for the inept children.  I am glad that in the government's eyes, my son is entitled to the same education as anyone else.  I love the "theory" of inclusion. 

My concern is that not all schools are equipped or skilled to follow through with "genuine inclusion.'  Most of my son's inclusion has proven to be "cosmetic inclusion."  Dayton spends the majority of his time in the hallway.  The school he is currently attending claims that this is by his choice, not the school's, but it appears they have no control of my son or his behavior.  If they did, he would genuinely be included in the classroom.  I think the problem stems in their misunderstanding of the Autism Spectrum.  Please don't take my opinion as though I'm suggesting that the school Dayton attends is not working hard with Dayton, but they are not skilled or knowledgeable in teaching or including a child with autism.  The Autism Spectrum is a very, very broad spectrum.  If you've had the pleasure of meeting a child with autism, you've met a child with autism.  Not one child is the same.  What works for one child, will not necessarily work for another. 

The most common thread of these children is their inappropriate behavior due to their inability to control impulse and their inability to cope with emotions and sensory issues.  I have moved through three different school division to get Dayton the education both you and I believe he is entitled to.  Dayton's current school thinks that at the core of Dayton's inappropriate behavior is my parenting.  They have called CFS about my parenting twice in the last year. I can not begin to explain the humiliation of this experience.  Furthermore, they did not believe that Dayton's diagnosis of PDD-NOS falls under the Autism Spectrum, which has resulted in them "disciplining" Dayton in the way that makes sense to with a typical child.  Sometimes even worse...  An extreme example of their discipline was when they had four teachers force my son to the floor, all of them laying on top of him over a misunderstanding because of a torn back pack, at eight years old, weighing fifty pounds...  This resulted in my loss of daycare, forcing me to work part time.  The incident traumatized my child into hiding under his bed for a few days, not being able to eat because of a sore throat due to his screaming at the school staff to let him go.  Suspending a seven, eight or nine year old child who is delayed by two years is not teaching him a consequence, it is a punishment to the parents.  My son is now looking for ways to get suspended, as to him it means that he doesn't have to show his peers just how far behind is from the rest of them.  The suspensions have been a "reward" for him.  In his mind it is better to be seen as "bad" then "stupid" in front of his peers.  Dayton's self esteem is at an all time low, as he constantly tells me he is stupid, he can not learn, so what's the point of me trying to help him at home...

The last CFS call resulted in them immediately closing the file, and asking me what they could do for me.  I wanted an advocate from the system to advocate on my son's behalf in his school.  They provided me with Brenda Suderman, an amazing woman, who is fighting for my family.  She is a true advocate, and very much a support to my family.  I have humbled myself and allowed a worker to come to my home to give me advice on working with my son once a week, but even the worker is telling me that I am doing everything with Dayton that she would recommend herself. 

On calling your office, my call was transferred to my MLA, whom I had already spoken to.  The MLA's office promised to  contact Manitoba Education with my concerns, and assured me that someone would call me to discuss my concerns further. 

Marlene Gregory of the Manitoba Education "student services," suggested that I fill out a "school of choice application form" and have it submitted by May 15th, giving me false hope for my son's future education.  It turns out that school divisions do not accept this application if the student it is being filled out for has special needs!  Even if there was a chance I was able to move to their school division (rental availability in the city is sitting at 0%, furthermore, my child with autism needs stability, and I've moved from school division to school division three times to get him a "promised education"), I can not get my child into an autism program or an adaptive program because they are all full.  When I called Mrs. Gregory back and conveyed my results, she informed me that the school divisions have the right to deny the application...  I have every reason to believe by Dayton's child psychiatrist who diagnosed Dayton with PDD-NOS, that he can live a productive life, become a contributing member of society, providing he gets the services and support his current school division is not providing him.   

Mr. Premier, I ask for an appointment to see you, and discuss my son's education.  This is not only a concern for my son, but for all children who have been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.  One in a hundred and ten children are being diagnosed with a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder today and the numbers increase every year.  These children are our future and they need your help.  Help them...  You can make a difference in these children's lives, if you want to, and I know you do.  You are a wise man, if you weren't, you would not be the premier of Manitoba.  Imagine our future if these children do not receive your help...   You are our leader, our voice of reason.  I know that as a parent alone, I can not make a change, but you...  You can make all the difference to our children's lives and education. 

The stress I have endured as a result of Dayton's discrimination has taken a toll on my health.  I am currently on medical leave, and am available at your earliest convenience to meet with you. 



You may reach me at home at 837-6308 or by cell phone at 771-4546.  My email addresses are healthy.you.home@gmail.com and autism.diva.help@gmail.com.  I look forward to your call.






Sincerely,


Lou Lovrin, a mom of a beautiful nine year old boy, who desperately seeks your help.

Autism Essay

Wow, I read this essay on Maximum Potential on facebook, and I just had to share it with y'all. It is absolutely fantastic!!! Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.



I have autism. I hold only a few similarities to the character in “Rain Man.” When I am out on the playground, never say to my mother, “I would have never guessed that; he looks so normal” The face of autism is not a defined one.

I have autism. This does not mean I am deaf, nor does it mean I can’t understand your words. When cruel things are said, it hurts just like it would anyone else. Sometimes even more, as I am very sensitive.

I have autism. I am not blind. When you stare at me, point, and whisper – I don’t like it. I sometimes cannot control my emotions; however, I still can see you.

I have autism. I am not spoiled, undisciplined, or disrespectful intentionally. Don’t tell my parents I just need to be smacked, as that would never work and I smack back! All I know is if I am being hurt I must defend myself.

I have autism. This does not mean I am mentally delayed. I am very smart. I may focus on only a few things, but I have become an expert on them.

I have autism. Don’t think I am not capable of love or am emotionally detached from the world around me. I am very close to my family and sometimes need to be hugged. I do have the capacity to care. Especially if I see someone else being hurt or teased.

I have autism. I will line things up on the floor in my room in perfect order. This may be strange, but to me it is contentment. I can only relax if things are in sync.

I have autism. Which means I am super sensitive to sounds; I hear all of them. Even the smallest of sounds. When I get overloaded with too many sounds at once, It is hard to cope and I must step away and be alone. This does not mean I can’t handle the world, I just have to have more time to tune out as I hear more than everyone.

I have autism. I live by schedules. This is one of the ways I have found to cope with the chaos around me. Knowing what is going to happen at a certain time each day helps me prepare for transitions. That is why it is difficult for me to deal with a schedule change. I have to have order to obtain peace.

I have autism. It is very important for people to mean what they say That is why joking with me is never understood. Things are black and white to me, like a set schedule. If you say you are going to turn blue in five minutes, I expect you to do so.

So remember, having autism does not mean I am blind, retarded, unresponsive, incapable of love, or unable to function in the real world. I am unique and gifted because I have found a way to coexist within two very separate worlds. Take a moment to think about how many of us have difficulty within just the one world we live, now imagine juggling two. This is something I have learned to do. So forgive me if at times I have trouble separating the two, again I am only human.

I often hear people say to my mom, “It must be so hard for you” – no one ever says that to me. In fact, no one expects me to understand or respond because of the face society has painted autism to be. I do not know all that autism is, but I know who I am. I am special, and cherished. Almost like a superhero I was set aside to have these unique abilities. They are not a disability. They are not something to fear. In a way they are magical. I have unlocked parts of my brain that others cannot.

When you look at me, don’t look at me with sadness or feel sorry for me. Look at me with wonderment and I will amaze you every time.

This “In Their Own Words” essay is written by Tonya Procor, a loving mother of a son with autism


Happy Easter everyone!  Consider yourselves hugged!!!


Lou