Feisty And Non Compliant - Can I Get A Behavior Plan Over Here???

Ah yes, t'is the season for IEP meetings.  Quick pop quiz...  What's an IEP meeting?  Come on, you can do it!  That's right, it's the individual education plan meeting.  All parents with special needs children get to have those twice a year.

Did you know there is a sales market geared at IEP's?  I'm serious.  Here's a couple of links for you to check out:
http://www.zazzle.ca/no_crying_in_iep_meetings_aprons-154740917622695277

This one is a little scary, but here you go:  http://www.beautifulmindsinc.com/video-right

http://hooverlaw.com/wordpress/?p=74

http://expertbeacon.com/successful-iep-meeting-requires-effective-parent-participation/#.UpltJMSkpRo

Love this picture I recently found about IEP's

If you've checked these out, you can understand why most parents come to these meetings prepared for battle.  We know what's waiting for us:  a cold, impersonal boardroom kind of place, with the school team on one side of the table, usually consisting of the educational assistant, teacher, principal, guidance counsellor and sometimes, if you're really lucky, the speech and language pathologist, physiotherapist and the special needs coordinator from the school division.  All these people are sitting at a table, together, right across from you and whomever you're lucky enough to have talked into coming to the meeting with you.  If you go alone, you sit alone.  It kind of feels like you're sitting rather than standing in front of a firing squad...   The feeling of judgement day is all around you.  The people across the table from you look down at you.  Uncomfortable?  Nooo...  A root canal is uncomfortable; this is a whole new level of discomfort my friend.  While the whole table agrees that there are delays in speech, language & communication, play and learning, no one seems to know how to help the child mainstream into the classroom in a way where he or she can learn and be a contributing member of the class.  So, since the self proclaimed professionals don't know how to help your child, they assure you that they are doing everything they humanly can and that you, as a parent... well... you  suck.  It is a discipline issue, that needs to be addressed at home, even though the behaviour generally only takes place at school.  So, the professionals now need to draft a behaviour plan, which in a nut shell, tells the parent 1) how to parent and 2) typically says that you will come and pick up your child early from school when there's a meltdown.

In the past, rather than go to these meetings alone, I called my CSS worker to come with me as well as Dayton's behavioural specialist.  Finally, I had asked a CFS worker to come join me in my fight for Dayton's rights at his school, as the three of us alone could not seem to get the school to understand that Dayton had a pervasive developmental disorder, along with ADHD, GDD and ODD, all contributing to how he relates with others, learns and understands the world in general to be.

This year is different.

We're in a new school division, and I am free to name it for you.  Seven Oaks School Division.

I prepared for the IEP meeting dressed to the hilt, red nails and all, ready to fight for my children and their rights.  Dayton's IEP came first.

There was no boardroom.  There was a small desk, three chairs, Dayton's guidance counsellor and his educational assistant, Mike and myself.  Even numbers...

"Dayton's had an amazing start to the new school year.  We're so impressed with how he's adjusted and how he's wanting to learn.  In fact, I've filed the negative notes from his past school in a different filing system, away from others, for my eyes only, as they do not describe the boy we have the pleasure of working with today..." said Dayton's guidance counsellor.  "We're actually shocked at how well he is reading, we weren't expecting him to read..."

Wow...  I sat on my hands, shamefully hiding my red nails.

I got to sit and listen to Dayton's educational assistant tell us how well Dayton works with her, and how yes, he does need constant guidance and supervision, as without her present, he figures he doesn't have to work, but still...  My baby is learning!!!  He's working hard!!!  No meltdowns as the staff nip it in the butt and are proactive!!!  They've gotten to know him and see trouble coming before it happens, stop it, and move on!  I left the meeting SMILING!

Next stop:  Amber's IEP meeting.

Friends, I was stunned.  As I walked into the room, we had a few more people on the other side of the table then we had at Dayton's IEP meeting:  Amber's teacher, her educational assistant, the speech & language pathologist, and someone from the school division.  On the table in front of us, they had Tim Horton's coffee and Timbits waiting for us!!!  Seriously!  No joke, this is a true story!  I've never been served anything during an IEP meeting other than "your son is feisty and non compliant, here's his IEP and behaviour plan, fix him, yourself and his father, you're wrong, we're right, you suck, now get out."  In fact, his old principal three years ago tried to tell me my son was a psychopath, etc...

I was in for another surprise.  The school staff sitting in front of Mike and myself were genuinely concerned about Amber and our took our fears of Amber's regression seriously.  They too noticed that she has been regressing, and had questions for us about how things were going at home, and what they could do to (wait for it, you're not going to believe it because I nearly fell off my chair when I heard them...) HELP!  The women sitting in front of us wanted to know how to help Amber!  They didn't criticize our parenting, they didn't blame us for her disability or accuse us of not disciplining our daughter.  They wanted to support us and praised us for everything we do for our children!

I quietly and as discreetly as I could, began to chip away at my nail polish under the table.

There is a reason the rear view mirror is very small in comparison to the huge windshield in front of me.  Where my children are headed is far more important than what we've left behind.  This school gets it.  And I am humbly grateful.

I left the school smiling so hard, my face hurt.  I've never left an IEP smiling before.  It always ended in tears and self loathing.



Consider yourselves hugged, especially those of you waiting for your turn in the dreaded IEP seat,

Lou

Back Away From The Board Of Education

Have you had one of those as a kid growing up?  You know the paddle called the board of education your parents wielded at you when you misbehaved?  I sure did, and I'm wondering if my dad still has it...

My little man's been quite the little grand master bully at school, and not bullying kids either, but his principal and educational assistant...  And it gets better...  It's all my fault.

I've noticed how I've trained the kids at our patio homes to get Dayton in trouble.  Trying to avoid conflict between Dayton and the kids and raise some 'understanding,' I've asked the kids to come to me if there are 'issues' with Dayton and their 'play.'  You know, be the referee before things get out of hand.  Thinking I could prevent meltdowns, embarrassing moments for Dayton, awkward times with kids...  Yeah, how about no.  That didn't really work out well.

Instead I hear kids screaming at Dayton "no, stop, don't hit me!!!" when I'm sitting on the patio, look up and see Dayton playing by himself, clear across the field.  Seriously?  What the hell is that all about?  Obviously these little punks are trying to get him in trouble.  Not cool!  And it makes me feel like walking around with one of my croquet hammers to supervise the play ground.

So I had a talk with my son.  I told Dayton that if anyone hit him, he had full permission to go ahead and smack the little freak shows into next day.  If kids are using their words to fight, he is NOT allowed to get physical, but he could use his own words to fight back.  Never, ever strike at someone unless they strike first.  That's the rule.  I'm tired of kids picking on him and than Dayton getting in trouble for it.  They want to play this game, then game on.  I know my babe can take them on.   He may have heard me tell my friend that I didn't raise no 'sissy,' and how Dayton was far from being weak, and maybe it's time these brats got what they deserve.

Anyhow...

Dayton goes to school and gets himself in trouble.  The principal comes to get him.  Dayton's talking back at him and reaches out to smack him saying:  "you're weak, why don't you defend yourself?"

What the...  How did he confuse "defend yourself Dayton" for bullying the principal???

I got a call from the school to come and get Dayton early on Monday...  Long story short, Dayton had to be physically removed from the computer room as he was threatening to stab his poor educational assistant and his principal with scissors...  because he wanted more time on the computer...

It gets better...  Yesterday, Dayton snuck a Call of Duty game cover to school...  My mother always taught me to kill`em with kindness, but I think in this case I am justified to beat Dayton`s father with a baseball bat.  It`s me that gets the notes from school, not him!!!  My parenting is questioned, never his!!!  He`s making my life a miserable hell by playing these video games with Dayton, and now he`s bringing them to school!!!

So, as you can see, I`ve got my hands full.  Just when you think you`ve figured out your child, he throws a curve ball at ya and expects ya to `fetch it.`


Hope all is well with yàll.  Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

 

Non-Violent Crisis Intervention Or Abuse?

You know how we as parents have no rights to our children and are not allowed to spank them?  Excuse me...  Yes, we're allowed to give them one spank on a fully clothed bum with our hand and no object.  Makes sense.  I mean, I can't imagine wielding the cooking spoon my mamma used to spank me with, as my butt broke them and than she'd get even madder.  But one?  One time only?

Please don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not implying that we should abuse our kids.  I'm simply showing you how much rights we have in our own decisions when it comes to our kids.  But the schools...  oh yes, they have much more rights over the child I had the complicated and strenuous, life threatening pregnancy with.  They get to treat my babe any way they want to, whether I like it or not.  Which is why when I read this article, I nearly had a stroke.  No kidding, my right eye is still twitching and it has been for the last two days since I read this:
http://www.facebook.com/notes/autism-canada-foundation/protect-all-students-from-deadly-restraint-and-seclusion-practices-in-schools/10150609115612868

So, let me get this straight...  Right now, today, there are no federal regulations in place for the safety of our children who are disciplined by their teachers...  But there are against us as parents...  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Pardon my French, but what the hell is wrong with this picture?

Now imagine what parents go through when their child is manhandled by teachers we put our trust in.  Dayton and I can tell you what it's like.  We've experienced it many times, the most recent horrifying experience for me was two years ago when four teachers (yes, I said four teachers) struggled to do "non-violent crisis intervention."

Can you imagine if we threw a party and decided that four of us should throw ourselves on  my boy to "calm him down?"  Seriously?  Before I continue, I'd like to add that I would rather dig out my eye balls, pull out my nails with tweezers along with all body hair and lie on a bed of nails and bleed to death before I'd ever throw myself, never mind allow three more adults to throw themselves on my baby.

In saying that, let's pretend that I'm the monster that hides in the closet your child talks of in the middle of the night and did that...  CFS would come in here and take my baby away without blinking an eye.  But the school?  Yeah, that's right.  Nothing.  Notta.  No investigation, no chastisement.  My babe was traumatized and couldn't eat or drink for two days, hiding under his bed and refused to come out.  You can imagine the stench coming out of that room.  No one from the school came to clean it either.

While I understand that some children become violent, we need to look at why they become violent.  I know the incident with the four teachers and my son took place because of another student's back pack.  Had the teacher or aid not argued with Dayton, having two different arguments, they would not have had to "throw themselves" on top of Dayton to "calm him down."  Dayton is very literal.  The question posed to him was "Dayton, did you rip the back pack,"  when they watched him stick his finger in a tear that was already there, and pull his finger down to make the rip longer.  Can you see where their argument led to?  Let me clear it up for you in case you're a parent reading this with a neurotypical child...  Children on the autism spectrum are "literal thinkers."  In Dayton's mind, the back pack was already ripped, and that was his argument.  To this day, he'll freak out and yell at you:  "I didn't rip the damn back pack!!!"  He's not able to tell you that he ripped it further.  He's not able to articulate that the back pack had a small rip in it, and that he tore it further, but he did not start the rip.  All he can tell you is that "I didn't do it."

If you stick your finger in my face and accuse me of doing something I didn't do, get ready to lose your finger.  Just saying.  I'm not a violent person, but push me far enough, and you'll get it.  There's only so much a person can handle, and my babe is no different.

So, I ask you, with all do respect...  Does the situation really need to become a non-crisis intervention?  Are you sure you've discussed the situation with the child and come to understand what he/she is trying to tell you?  If the answer is yes, then perhaps we need to see if inclusion is truly working.  While I don't want my babe to be manhandled, I certainly don't want to put a teacher or another child in danger either.

Fortunately for me, Dayton has a principal and teacher with a brain this year.  Thank goodness for us, manhandling is no longer an issue.  Dayton's teacher is a saint, and his principal truly cares about Dayton and the rest of the kids attending the school.  We are blessed.  I pray you are as well.


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

An Autism Mom's Milestone: My First MASE Meeting

After months of contemplating and wishing I could go, I finally did it.  I went to a MASE meeting.  MASE (Moms of autism supporting eachother) is a small group of women who I thought had one thing in common:  autism.

I almost bailed out as I am sick AGAIN...  yes I know, Lou, get a flu shot already.  But then Super Dad made me feel bad about not coming, and another autism mom told me I should still come, so I pulled on my big girl panties and headed out the door.

Turns out the table of fourteen people (two men were allowed to "infiltrate" the group this one time only; Super Dad and another Super Dad), had much more in common than autism.  We also seemed to share the same side effects of autism I thought I was alone in...  Wow...

I thought I was the only "autism" mom who endured my child's school staff calling CFS, the only autism mom who's child's principal called the police due to her child's choice of words or behaviour and the only autism mom who has been judged on her 'parenting skills' by school staff...  Let me rephrase that:  I felt judged by the school staff.  Calling CFS to me seems like a judgement call...

I thought I was the only autism mom who sees the grocery store Nazis shaking their heads in disapproval when they see my boy sitting in the shopping cart, my boy who is almost ten and to tall to be sitting in a cart and still leave me room for groceries.  I thought I was the only sniper!

I thought I was the only bad, bad autism mom who's been kicked out of McDonalds, the only bad, bad, very bad autism mom who's child got kicked out of daycare!

I'm not alone.  Some moms told me stories much worse than mine, and they looked "normal."  I didn't see the third eye I have growing out of my own forehead.  You know the one people see growing out of yours when you try to explain your child's behavior?  Yeah, that one!

These women looked real.  They looked like anyone else.  They didn't have a sign on their forehead with a bulls eye showing "autism mom."  Very bad, bad, bad, bad, bad mom...

It was like walking into an AA meeting and seeing if you could pick out the alcoholic.  No one looked the part.  Oh my goodness...

Four out of the fourteen are Educational Assistants.  Wow.  I want to be just like them!

I found people just like me.  Women that have had their hearts ripped apart by judgement calls made by people who just don't understand...  People that should understand but don't.  Who's fault is it?  The question seemed to resonate through the table when the group was splitting up to go home.  Three of us remained talking...  Is it the teachers fault?  The principals?  The resource teachers?  The guidance counsellors?  Ahhhh...  no, no...   More on my thoughts on this on my next post, I promise.  The point of this post is:  WE'RE NOT ALONE!


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

What The Hell?! Is This Resource Teacher For Real?!

If I have an obsession, it's definitely facebook.  I love it, crave it, want it all the time.  It's the reason I carried my blackberry around everywhere I went in the summer time (normally before that, it was because Dayton's school could call at any time and I'd have to go get him).  Now that the school situation has calmed down (Thank God!!!), I continue to carry it around for texting and facebook.  OK, so I have two obsessions.  Anyways...  the point of this post is not about my obsessions, but another mother's venting on facebook last night...  Man!  I can so totally relate as I've had to deal with this kind of crap for two years before this year.  Again, it's hard to believe I'm dealing with the same school this year.  I don't know what's changed, but I am so grateful for the fantastic start to the new year.  I only hope it continues...

If Dayton's school staff is reading this, keep in mind that I love you this year, and I don't want to damage our relationship...   Autism Diva Help is not about YOU, it's about all parents with children on the autism spectrum in Winnipeg, and the crap we have to put up with because of our wonderful government.  By the way, thanks Premier Greg Selinger.  You're such a freaking gem.  Thanks for your non existent support.  We so totally appreciate it.  Thanks for continually passing my emails and phone calls to someone else so you don't have to deal with our kids. 

Naturally, the little girl's name is changed to "your daughter" to protect her privacy.  Other than that, I've copied and pasted the message word for word.  I thank this wonderful autism mom for allowing me to blog about her facebook post: 

my fb msg to resource last night
******, the agenda book has come home maybe 4 times, notes like "bring a hard thing" today she informs me her diorama is due tomorrow- what diorama?!?!?!? ok, so I've got her older sister out looking for ecosystem stuff, she can get a box from the garage (that I didn't let my husband throw away this weekend) and we can put something together quickly this evening...  I cannot keep doing this, I don't know what time she's supposed to be there on shops day, I don't have any idea what her homework is, she's being stalked by **** at ****, **** has issues with her shoes, and tries to trip her on a regular basis, **** is what she is...especially in the gym change room., which we talked about. please stop the freaking madness.

response- Your daughter has been working with the EA's on the research and written component of her ecosystem. Her diorama is not due until Monday. Tomorrow, she will work with the EAs on the diorama itself - we thought this would be easier than having her try and explain the details, assemble the materials and work on it at home. She is not presenting until Monday. If there are "touch ups" that need to be done, we'll send it home with instructions. If not, we'll just be sending home her practice notes for the presentation. We did not put this is in as homework as we thought it made more sense to do it at school.
Kids need to be at shops for 8:45am.
I know nothing about **** - I know he was supposed to be going to ****, but never had this confirmed.
If *** is tripping your daughter, I'll address it. If **** is still ruling the gym room, I know nothing about it and yes we did address it but something has apparently broken in the plans.
I tried talking with your daughter yesterday? - but she was so excited about going to the doctor's, she couldn't connect with me.
I talked with the teacher this week and asked how your daughter was doing and she said all was well.
I will address the madness and touch base with you tomorrow.
if your daughter ever comes home and says something, about which you know nothing, is due tomorrow, exhale , have a glass or red wine (good for the soul and the blood)and say "How lovely!"
I'll try and touch base with you tomorrow.

my response-
a glass of wine while my daughter melts down...sort of like fiddling while Rome burns .. nice thought though

my girl did the diorama (we didn't know she had til Monday until10pm) insisted on doing her presentation today, would have gone on for hours, was very enthusiastic and detailed - while I'm at my therapist discussing ptsd and the stress that comes along with my beautiful autistic daughter....need wine now!! TGIF!!!!!

· · · 17 hours ago

Naturally, I had a response which I will share with you in a moment.  I've linked my name to my facebook page, so feel free to add me as a facebook friend.  Before I share my facebook response, I would like to add my thoughts on this...

What the hell?!  Seriously?!  These people are teaching our kids!!!  And this is how they send a message to a parent?  I especially like the wine comment.  Very professional!  And what the heck do you mean "If this is really happening?"  Are you calling the parent a liar?!  Seriously?!  Really?!  Yeah, us parents, we like to imagine our children being bullied, 'cuz that's just how we roll.  We enjoy emotional pain.  We also enjoy putting our kids through two projects:  one at home and one at school, because we love putting our kids through double the misery.  Yeah, that's right.  We love tormenting our kids.  Thanks for the 'communication.'

I remember Dayton's last year's teacher leaving a similar comment in Dayton's agenda...  It had to do with a self watering project.  Holly crap.  Really?  I'm supposed to help Dayton with a self watering project with no instructions as to how to accomplish this?  If I knew how to make this happen, my plants would not have died!  I'm not kidding when I say I have a black thumb.  Even my freaking cactus bit the dust.  Literally.  And who's homework is this anyway?  Mine or Dayton's?  I honestly thought the school was trying to send me to the freaking loony bin.  I went as far as to go on facebook to beg people for help.  Not one of my 558 facebook friends knew how to make a self watering system for plants.  Anyone who offered help sent me internet links they found trying to help me out. 

Another good note in Dayton's agenda last year was to memorize a poem.  Also, a grading system was included:  does the student make eye contact?  Does he/she speak in monotone?  Does he/she know all their lines in the poem?  Does he/she interact with the rest of the class as they recite the poem?  How difficult the poem is...  

No list of poems to try to memorize, no authors of poems to check out.  Are you wanting freaking Shakespear here or is Mother Goose enough?!  Define appropriate difficulty woman!!!  What d'ya mean eye contact?  Ummmm, he has autism!  He doesn't like to make eye contact!!!  Monotone?  Have you not met my child?  Again, he has autism!  Interact with the children?  AUTISM!!!  For the love of everything holly!!!  Work with me woman!!!  

Fortunately, it all worked out, too long to write about the whole entire ordeal, but Dayton did all right.  "Whew."  He ended up doing jokes AND a poem, again doing double the work because last year's teacher had no communication skills what so ever, and claimed that she didn't have enough time, and I quote "to write a novella" to tell me about all of Dayton's negative behavior.  Yes, her and I were tight friends! 

All right.  Here's my response to the facebook post. 

• 
  
• • 
    

    Ljubica Lovrin
    

    OMG!!! Can I copy and paste this on my blog with of course my opinion, which in a nut shell is WTF? This is exactly the kind of crap I've dealt with for the past 2 years... Lack of communication, and the famous "if this is happening, then we will address it."
    I'm freaking telling you IT IS happening, so freaking deal with it, cuz you don't want me comin down there and layin the smack down on the kid's rootie poo candy ass byatch!
    As for the wine... Right, if the school thought I even sniffed at a wine cork, they'd be calling CFS in a blink of an eye.
    
    Call the school division's special needs coordinator and demand a meeting to discuss the lack of communication between home and school. Unacceptable!

    
    

    16 hours ago via · · 1 person
    
    
    
    
    Consider yourselves hugged,
    
    Lou
    
    
    

Autism Moms Have Stress Similar To Combat Soldiers

When I read this article, I honestly wasn't all that surprised...  http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2009/11/10/autism-moms-stress/6121/

First of all, let's face it.  Those of us with kids with any kinds of special needs, especially the type that alters behavior such as ADHD, we just don't get to rest-period.  We're on alert 24/7, with no escape.  Even during work, we're attached to our cell phones, and I've even heard of parents having pagers especially in case their child's school calls to come and collect their babes.  Personally, I've experienced the side effects of this stress and ended up taking a medical leave in February due to to the stress of continually having Dayton's school call nearly on a daily basis.  Thank goodness this is not the case this year...  so far.  I keep waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop...  I pray again that I haven't jinxed myself in this post, but it seems Dayton's teacher 'gets him', and so does his educational assistant.

I remember a time where I had an alarms system installed not to keep intruders out of my home, but to alert me when my babe tried to escape in the middle of the night.  Why he would try to escape me makes no sense...  I mean, I'm a gorgeous babe I tell you!  And I'm a super cool mom, always hugging and squeezing and kissing my baby right in front of his buddies.  'Cuz I'm cool like that and that's how I roll!

I did find it interesting that the article is titled "Autism Mom's" and there is no mention of "fathers."  I have met (via facebook and Autism Diva Help) two fathers who are very much involved with their children.  One of them is actually a single parent, who also is taking care of his two nieces!  God bless him, as two of the children are...  wait for it...  drum roll please...  TODDLERS!!!  It takes a very, very special man to undertake such a responsibility.  How many fathers are single parents, never mind taking care of their nieces on top of it, with two girl on the autism spectrum?  I can hardly wait to meet this dad in person!  He makes me ashamed for whining of my problems with one child...  Forget Superman or Batman...  This dad is my new favorite hero. 

"researchers say that parents need better respite options and flexibility from their employers..."  Yes, wouldn't that be nice.  Unfortunately, I don't see employers bending over backwards to make accommodations for parents with special needs kids.  They have a business to run, and time is money.  Missed time at work equates to loss of revenue not only to the parent, but to the employer as well.  And as far as respite goes...  I've been on a waiting list for two years now.  If I can't find a respite worker of my own, I go without a break, and so does Dayton.  Lets not kid ourselves...  the kid desperately needs a break from me.  As "cool" of a mom as I am, it appears that my little man thinks I'm "embarrassing."  Like when I expect a hug and a kiss before he boards the bus to go to school, dressed in my jammies and house coat, with my hair in curlers...  Then running after the bus screaming "mamma loves you baby!!!" and all this is on a good day!  I'm not going to describe myself on bad days like the past few weeks where I was sick with the flu...  It's just not pretty.  The run behind the bus resembles more of a zombie dragging its sorry carcass...  You know things are bad when your nine year old demands you "put your face on" before picking him up from the bus when he gets home from school...  

I wonder if this is what Charlie-Anne (my step daughter) referrs to as me being "over protective..."  Meh.


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Are You Ready For The New School Year?

Holly cow...  Two more weeks, and the new school year begins...  I'm soooooo not ready!!!  I'm starting to have panic attacks already.  They started off when I went to Walmart and saw the school supply list for grade four at Dayton's school...  There are two teachers teaching grade four, and one of them is Dayton's grade three teacher...  I didn't know which was going to be Dayton's teacher, and so I could not get school supplies as each teacher had her own school supply list!!!  Oh nnnnnoooooooooooo!!!  And so came panic attack number one.  Number two took place when I got an email from the school requesting me to set up an appointment with Dayton's teacher, but which one is his teacher?  Ugh!  Where's my bubble?!  I demand my bubble!  Or at least a paper bag to breath into or puke in. 

Anyways...  I'm not ready.  I'm losing sleep over it, and it's really rather silly.  I mean I've still got two weeks to go, and yes, there will be problems, and I've dealt with them before...  but I don't want to deal with them anymore.  Is that selfish on my part?  I mean, Dayton's my life, the air I breathe, my fruit to my loop and the peanut to my butter.  But I'm tired of dealing with issues at his school.  I really am.

Part of the issue is the school staff not understanding autism and Dayton's needs, and the other part is Dayton  exhibits typical nine year old behavior, but because Dayton has the label of autism (PDD-NOS), ADHD and global delays, I get a phone call every time he's "naughty."  It makes me wonder how often a parent with a neurotypical child gets calls to let them know every time their child gets into a dispute with a peer, or every time they got into an argument, or every time they used an inappropriate word.  I say this because one of Dayton's buddies who attends this same school has no label, but is just as hyper, just as inappropriate and just as loud as Dayton, yet his parents have received one phone call in the last two years.  I've lost track after twenty-five phone calls.  Oh boy...  here comes another panic attack...

But there is a silver lining to my worries.  This year, the school has a new principal, who comes from one of the "cluster" schools in our division that has experience with children on the autism spectrum.  Perhaps he can teach the guidance counselor how to guide?  Maybe he can set a new tone for the school?  Or maybe his predecessor has come to her senses and will come back as Dayton's aid?  I suppose time will tell...

I've called the school, and Dayton has a new teacher this year.  While I have mixed feelings on this "change," I suppose it's better for Dayton to have a new teacher than it is to force last year's teacher to actually care about him or his education.  And now I know what to buy for his school supplies.  Woooo hooooo!!!

I've also seen Dayton mature this summer.  He's made a lot of progress due to my being ill in social skills and using his words rather than his little fists.  He hasn't had any melt downs this past month.  We've had a great time together this summer.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to run and hug the porcelain God...  The anti-anxiety medications have not kicked in yet...




Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Enough Is Enough

Enough.  I've just had enough.  It's easier to build a wall, dig a moat and add alligators and a running stream then it is for the school to care for my child.  As much as I'm going to miss my afternoon naps, my health is declining and I just can't handle anymore.  I've decided to pull Dayton out of school for the rest of the year and keep him safe and happy. 

Perhaps I'm taking the easy way out, but it is only one week of school he's missing, and I think it's the best I can do for my son.  The school obviously has no structure as the end of the school year is fast approaching, and my little man needs structure.  Without structure, Dayton doesn't know what to do with himself.  His assistant has one speed - slow, and Dayton views him as a buddy rather than as an authority figure.  Dayton's aid is super kind and gentle with Dayton, wonderful qualities you very rarely see in a man.  The problem is he has no control over my son.  Dayton is fully in control and in charge of their every move.  He's able to take lunch items from other students, the teacher's desk, the resource teacher's desk, the office staff, etc...  I've replaced them all, and now, due to yesterday's incident (see post titled Ugh!!!  For The Love Of God!!!), I've decided I just can't trust the staff to keep an eye on my babe.

I again received a phone call from the principal, this time giving me the option to either pay the teacher's $200.00 autopac deductible, or pay $50.00 for her friend to fix the dent Dayton accidentally bestowed on her brand new vehicle.  So here I'm thinking "I can not afford your kind of care.  What will Dayton do next that his aid can not put a stop to?"  I just simply can not take the chance of being held responsible for something I can not afford to replace.  Furthermore, I'm not allowed to be at the school every day to ensure Dayton doesn't destroy something, accidentally or intentionally.  So if I'm not there to take care of him, and his aid is not there to ensure everyone's safety, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CHILD and his behavior?  I'm confused about being confused about confusing things that confuse me!

It's not just that this is costing me money.  It's been the last month of non stop phone calls and notes sent home, telling me Dayton took another child's pop, chocolate bar, the teacher's apple, another child's juice box...  Here's my last response to the school of the last note I got from the teacher, asking me to replace things Dayton took from others:

Good morning Mrs.  A,

Last Thursday, Mrs. D's note in Dayton's agenda asked if it would be possible for me to replace:
M's Kool aid jammer (blue raspberry), Fruit go go strips, and another child's mini crispie chocolate bar. 

I'm really not trying to be difficult, but this is becoming difficult for me.

While I can appreciate the effort your staff is making in having Dayton replace items he takes from other students, I respectfully ask that your staff look at my view.  Dayton has taken an apple from his teacher's desk, a pop from the resource teacher's desk, candies, and just recently has taken a pop from another student, and a juice box from someone else, etc (these items have all been replaced)...  Dayton is not learning the lesson your staff is trying to teach.  Dayton has a full time aid, who should be sitting with him during the lunch period.  I am no longer replacing lunch or other items.  If Dayton's lunch period's aid is not able to sit with him, then perhaps it's time I come and sit with Dayton during lunch period myself.  There is also another option.  There is only another week and a half left of this school year.  If the staff is unable to sit with Dayton to ensure he behaves, maybe it's time for his summer break to begin now? 

Let me know your thoughts.   

Lou

So you see, I've already given the school the option of pulling Dayton out of school, or coming to the school myself.  The Principal's reply to me was that she understood my concern and that she would take care of the issue.  I was not to worry about it.  So this last incident with Dayton accidentally damaging a vehicle, shows me that the aid is slower than a herd of turtles strolling through molasses.  That's not the Principal's fault. Yet I am still held accountable as Dayton's momma.

Let's hope this is the last email communication I have with the school:

Hi M,

I've had some time to think and talk about this incident with Dayton after your call to me this afternoon.  Dayton has told me that he was not allowed to join his classmates today and had to spend the whole day in the office as a result of what you had told me was an "accident," and you and Mr. J felt that Dayton did not intentionally throw the yo-yo at Mrs. J's car.  Dayton agrees with your impression of the incident.  Furthermore, Mrs. J approached Dayton in the hallway and told him what he did yesterday wasn't very nice.  Dayton tried to explain to her that he didn't do this intentionally and that it was an accident.  She told him to not do it again?  He is very upset about this interaction with your teacher, and was crying when he greeted me as I walked him home from the bus stop. 




I'm very sorry the school year ended this way for Dayton as well as yourself.  I wish you the best of luck in your retirement, and hope to see you come back as Dayton's aid.  As I've said before, you and I may not agree on everything, but I do respect the way you are with my son.  You have a way with Dayton no one else has had, and have him produce work.


In case we don't see each other again, I wish you luck, happiness and health in your future. 

Lou


The principal called me minutes from receiving my email, explaining that Dayton was removed from the classroom not for yesterday's incident, but because Dayton and another little guy needed a break from each other.  I'm thinking why is it always Dayton being removed from the classroom, why hasn't the other boy been sent out?  If there's a problem with one boy, why is Dayton not allowed to speak to the rest of the classroom,  but I just can't find the energy to fight.  She also tells me how it is not the school's policy for children not to bring toys to school.  So I'm thinking again, 'OK, so this is just a policy for Dayton?'  Again, I just don't have the energy to argue.  I'm in too much pain, my kidney's ready to explode and the more upset I get, the sicker I feel.  She assures me Mrs. J did not speak to Dayton, but it really doesn't matter anymore.  My son barely ever cries.  He's just to selfish and too much of a boy to cry.  So when he cries, I know there's a serious problem.  There comes a time where I just have to believe what my child says is true.  As fantastic as the principal is, she's not God and can't possibly know every detail of everyone's day.  Dayton had nothing to gain by telling me his conversation with Mrs. J.  He wanted to be comforted by his momma, which again, seldom happens.  

So, I went to the bank, pulled out the $50.00 and delivered it to the school.  Dayton's things were packed and ready for me to take home, saving me time and patience.  Dayton got to see his aid and principal and said his good byes.  It was a bitter sweet moment for me, as Dayton hugged his principal and aid, although he was happy not to return to school.  Now we can focus on each other, do some school work at home, visit the library and read books he's interested in.  I don't have to worry about any damage he may cause for me to be held responsible, or worry about potential incidents because of the unstructured final days of school.  Summer's begun!

Hello??  Yes-I will have a super size double shot mocha Valium and Percocet latte to go please!!  I need something for the nerves and the pain in my back side, literally.  No pun intended, it really is the kidney stone...


Consider yourselves hugged, and maybe say a prayer for my summer's insanity!


Lou