Ten Commandments For Interacting With Kids On The Autism Spectrum

Read this this morning on facebook, and had to share it with y'all:

Ten Commandments For Interacting With Kids On The Autism Spectrum, by Stop Romanticizing Autism:

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR INTERACTING WITH KIDS ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM

1. Thou shall not yell when speaking to me.
My Autism does not impair my hearing and I am extremely bright. Perhaps even brighter than you are.

2. Thou shall not ignore me, talk negatively about me, speak unnaturally slow, or ask questions to others in the room that pertain to me.
I can comprehend what you are saying just fine.

3. Thou shall believe in me and help me believe in my skills and self worth.
Note the good in me and do not merely point out my negative behaviors. Believe in me and I will believe in myself.

4. Thou shall not perceive me as dumb.
I am extremely intelligent. I do not learn in the same way as you, and maybe not as quickly as you expect me to. Have patience with me. Once I recall information, I never forget.

5. Thou shall not judge my behavior.
I can get overstimulated in certain environments. I may be hypersensitive to sound and loud noises may hurt my ears. Fluorescent lights are distracting for me. They have a humming noise, and can pulsate. All the noises in a room can blur together. Please make accommodations to help me.

6. Thou shall not be so quick to scold me.
Do not tell me that “I know what I did”. I do not. Tell me what my infraction was in a simple, concise manner. I want to please you, but I have difficulties inferring meaning within a vague statement. For instance, do not say please clean up your bedroom. Tell me exactly what you want, such as ‘Please make your bed and pick up your toys”.

7. Thou shall not compare me to others.
Please remind me, and note the talents that I possess. This increases my confidence and positive self worth. Learning disabled or not, we ALL have talents to contribute within society. I need you to help me realize what mine is. Believe in me and I will believe in myself.

8. Thou shall not exclude me from activities.
Please do not mimic me, ignore me, or bully me. Please invite me to play with you. It hurts my feelings when I am excluded. I like to run and jump in the playground, and be invited to birthday parties too. Grown ups can help me make friends by encouraging other children to play with me. I can be a loyal friend if you get to know me.

9. Thou shall give me choices.
I do not like being ordered about any more than the other children. Give me choices so I know you value my capabilities and opinions. Make them simple and concise. Present two options or so. I get confused when too many questions or directions are given at one time due to my processing speed. For instance, ask me if I would like to wear my blue sweater or green one, rather than asking which sweater I would like to wear.

10. Thou shall not judge me by my diagnosis, but by my character.
I am an individual, just like other children.




My question is, reading through this, how often do you as a parent of a child or children with autism catch yourself thinking "oh crap, I do that and that and that..."  I think I will make a more conscious effort in thinking before reacting with the kids.  Maybe I should have this printed in poster form and put it up on a wall to remind myself on a daily basis...


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Your Life Is In Danger By My Son?!

Oy Vey...  Yes, It's been one of them days.

Apparently Dayton (keep in mind the little rascal weighs 60 lbs and stands about 4'2") has threatened to hurt his teacher, by kicking HER in the "balls where it will really hurt..."  Yes, I said HER. 

Dayton was sitting at his table with his peers, cutting out action figures with weapons as he likes to do on a daily basis.  This is nothing new.  Nothing out of the ordinary (the school has no idea how to stop him, and has allowed it to continue), but this time his teacher demanded he hand over the scissors.  Not sure in what moment of insanity she figured he'd comply as he cuts with these scissors EVERY DAY.  Of course Dayton said no.  Of course he did.  You can't just decide one day that the boy can't cut anymore.  The more she urged to to hand the scissors over, the more he argued that he wasn't "finished."

If there's one thing that every parent knows, and so should every educator, if your child on the autism spectrum is in the middle of doing something, telling him to stop before he's finished is not a good idea.  Unless of course he is being a danger to himself or others, let's not get stupid here.  If Dayton is working on a project, he literally can not move on to anything else until he is finished.  Transitioning from Math to Science on a drop of a dime is next to impossible for him.  He needs to have notice.  If he's playing outside and of course I'm outside supervising his play and trying to use some of the therapists advice, blah, blah, blah, I need to give him at least a 10 minute warning that we will be heading in soon.  Then again let him know he has 8 minutes, then 6 minutes, then 4 minutes, then 2 minutes then 1 minute.  I have to carry a freaking timer where ever I go.  He needs NOTICE so that he is prepared to transition to another activity.  Period.  I've told the school this many, many times.  If I have to tell them again, I'm going lose my ever living mind.

So Dayton's teacher does not give him any notice, and demands him to hand over the scissors.  Can you see where this is going?  I'm sure you can...

After the third demand, Dayton lost it.  He told her he would stab her with the scissors (totally inappropriate, I know it, you know it) and kicked her in the shin.  Awesome (being sarcastic here).  Then tells her the next time he will "kick her in the balls where it really hurts."  This incident took place on April 19th.  I was not told about the incident until 10 days after the fact.  When I was told about it, I was presented with a formal, five page "Threat Incident Report" with the word "CONFIDENTIAL" stamped on each page.

I ask the principal why the sudden change in report.  She's always sent me an email or if she had to write up an incident report, it was typed on a sheet of paper with her signature at the bottom.  The difference this time is because the Dayton's teacher felt her life was in danger!!!  Awwwwwesoooome!!!  How does a 170 lb adult fear a 60 lb child?!  Someone please answer this question!  Through flaring nostrils the principal tells me that Manitoba Education is coming for a visit to the school...  Ahhh, so the truth finally comes out...

"Ahhh, so advocating for my child has consequences then..."
"That's not what I said..."
"That's the message I'm getting.  You know this report is 10 days old.  Why hadn't someone contacted me?"
"You weren't contacted?"
"Nope.  So I want a copy of this report please."
"We're not suppose to give you a copy, it clearly states that one copy goes to the School Division and the other copy remains with the school and no additional copies are permitted in circulation."
"I'm not leaving without a copy of this report.  I have all day.  I'm on medical leave." 
I got the copy.

Clearly, Dayton's educators have no control over Dayton, in fact, it's the other way around.  How is he supposed to learn from these so called "professionals?"  It amazes me each time I speak with the principal, how Dayton is cursing, hitting and threatening, while at home he wouldn't dare to swear at me or strike me.  While I understand that there are thirty children in the classroom, he does also have a full time aid that should be at his side.  This aid should understand Dayton by now, he's been with him since September.   The aid should also be in charge of Dayton, not the other way around.

I think it's safe to say that at the root of Dayton's behavior problem is a simple notion called RESPECT.  Dayton respects me, and I respect him back in return.  I recognize when he's upset, when he's tired, and when he needs a break and intervene.  Why?  Not because I'm his mother, but because I understand that without the intervention, Dayton's behavior will get out of control.  Also, as his mother, I am in charge of the situation.  Dayton knowing I respect him, also knows I have his best interest at heart.  If he doesn't feel he's respected or understood (which he is not at school), he will take matters in his own hands.  This is not just Dayton as a child with autism, but Dayton as a child, period.



This in no way means that I condone Dayton's behavior.  Absolutely not!  But I do understand it. 




Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Autism Behavior - Communication

Behavior is something which all children display in one form or another. Our child's behavior tells those around them many things about their wants, needs, and desires. The most important thing to understand about behavior is that it is a form of communication. It is a complicated form of communication, but a truly basic one.

Typical children are much better at verbal communication skills than children with autism. Typical children do not always rely on physical behavior to relate a message. Often, children with autism are telling us a lot with their behavior. They can be giving an answer, asking a question or expressing a frustrated response.

Some behaviors expressed by children with autism may be appropriate or inappropriate depending on the situation. Inappropriate behaviors give a negative aspect to our children's learning experience.

It does not matter if the negative behavior occurs in a social situation or academic situation. A negative behavior must be dealt with so that the child with autism can acquire as much information as possible. Some undesired behaviors can not be eliminated. In that case those behaviors should be exchanged with desirable behaviors the child can use.  In order to do this, it is both the teacher's and parent's responsibility to teach the child to "change their mind" as my dad says.

One of the stories a family related to me was a teacher who was asking their child a question. Just for example we are going to say the question was 'What is 2 + 2?' This family's child did not understand the question. Their child did not even know how to answer the teacher.  It is very common for children with autism to have auditory deficits and not be able to focus on what he's being asked. As far as I'm concerned, if the government insist on inclusion, then this bit of information should automatically be listed in the teacher's handbook.

The first thing their child did was to become withdrawn. The well meaning teacher went closer to the child and asked again. Now this family's child became aggressive and used some really choice curse words.  While the well meaning teacher wants to help the child, the child with autism perceives this as an invasion of his space, or an attack.  Dayton's perception would be that he's in trouble and under attack. His auditory processing is severely impaired, and he while he can speak, it doesn't mean that he is able to process verbal questions or instructions all of the time.  For the most part, he's pretty good at it, but sometimes...  let's just say that there are times were he's over stimulated by sounds, smells and too many things going on in the classroom...  Auditory processing (hearing and understanding what the speaker is trying to convey to you) and speaking yourself are two completely different things.  While closely connected, they are not the same thing.

A little understanding of a child with Autism and communication can help this situation. If a parent and teacher wish to change this undesirable behavior they need to replace it. This is done by teaching a child a different technique or method of getting what they want.  In order to do this, parents and teachers MUST work together.  Furthermore, the policy of "inclusion" orders for the teacher to accommodate special need students.  Most children with autism are very visual learners, so the teacher should accommodate visually to the child, instead of giving auditory instructions.  Furthermore, replacing the behavior is NOT ENOUGH.  The child needs to practice the replacement behavior.  Children with autism do not automatically learn things like typical children do, they must practice over and over in order to "get it."

Tell the child with autism that when they do not understand what someone is asking they can raise their hand. This is a technique to let the adult know what is going on. Another technique is to teach the child to say a special word or phrase instead of cursing. This also gives adults involved a cue that they are feeling frustrated. 
Then everyone involved has to understand if they do not respond to those cues the behavior will escalate!!!  These are two simple but possibly effective way to help or change behavior in a positive way. Changing or shaping the behavior will help the child with autism have an environment more in line with their learning needs.  As most children with autism have difficulties with auditory processing, the teacher could then write down or draw the question out for the child with autism, which would most likely have a better response.

Now many of you would say "a child cursing?  That is highly inappropriate!  Where is the child learning these words?" as many of the teachers themselves think.  Let me assure you that parents of autistic children do not condone cursing from their children.   It is not acceptable behavior.  To answer your question, it is not the parents that teach their autistic children how to curse.  Dayton NEVER curses at home, EVER.

The trick is to convince the school your child attends, that they should heed your advice, and not be judgemental of your parenting.  If you're fortunate enough to have a school that works with you, this should not be a problem.  If you're fortunate enough to have a school that understands autism, then again, your job will be easier.  For those of struggling on both counts,  we need to figure out a solution...  Any suggestions or ideas are most welcome!!! 


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

Email to Ms Cruella Deville aka Dayton's Principal

Obviously, names have been change to protect privacy...  other than that, this email is copied and pasted for your reading pleasure...


Hi Ms. Cruella Deville,

As promised during our phone call today, I'm emailing you about our triage conference held last Friday with Mrs. D.  As I mentioned on the phone, I walked away confused...  and deflated.

During our phone conversations since September regarding Dayton's unacceptable behavior, you had made assurances that Dayton has made great progress this year and that he is working harder then ever.  I agreed since he has only had one in school suspension this far, a huge improvement from last year.  It appears that Mrs. D does not share our enthusiasm of Dayton's progress. 

Reviewing Dayton's portfolio, there was little added to the portfolio since the last triage conference last November.  When I asked Mrs. D about this, she informed me that this is due to Dayton's non-compliance, and that instead of working on his assignments as asked, Dayton chooses to play games, draw guns and play with paper figures.  She also pointed out that Dayton has continued to bully little Johnny, something I thought had been dealt with...  It appears Dayton bullies Johnny every day, and she wanted me to discuss this with Dayton.  I started to tell her that I have discussed the bullying issue with Dayton a few months ago when you had brought it to my attention, and that there are a few more boys involved in this:  Jeff, Pete and Odie.  Mrs. D cut me off by telling me we are not going there, and to please discuss Dayton's behavior at home with him.  Without clear examples of Dayton's behavior, it makes it difficult for me to discuss and teach Dayton differently, especially since I'm suppose to deal with three months worth of bad behavior.  The only example she could give me is that Dayton "flicks" Johnny in the head once a day.

The reason I had brought up the other boys was not to make excuses for Dayton's behavior.  Bullying is wrong, and Dayton knows the difference between right and wrong.  However, Dayton's emotional development is significantly delayed in comparison to the rest of the grade 3 class.  While Dayton may chronologically be 9 years old, emotionally we are dealing with a 5 year old little boy.  At this point in time, Dayton practically worships Jeff, Pete and Odie, and when Jeff tells Dayton to flick Johnny in the head, even knowing he will be sent to the principals office and that I will be upset and he will most likely be grounded, he will choose his friends as he wants to be part of their group.  Frankly, I don't think Dayton is able to stop and think of cause and affect, as when he flushed Johnny's toy down the toilet, he told me to he did it to see what Johnny's reaction would be.  When he saw Johnny cry, he felt sorry for Johnny and gave him one of his toys.  To me this is a huge improvement as last year he showed no theory of mind (empathy, or the ability to see what the other person thinks or feels).  The reason I want to know who is involved and what happened is again, not to make excuses for Dayton's behavior, but to use it to teach him to "change his mind."

When I asked Mrs. D why she hadn't contacted me by email about Dayton's behavior, she told me that if she informed me of every behavioral issue Dayton displays in the classroom, she would "write a Novella."  It would leave her little time to do anything else during the course of the day other than type my email.  Hearing this I made the comment that it seems that Dayton's behavior seems to be preventing him from being "included," when she interrupted me and stated this is not the case, and that he is always included unless he chooses otherwise, completely missing my point.  Had she allowed me to finish my sentence, she would see that my fear is that Dayton perhaps shouldn't be mainstreamed if his behavior is causing such a disturbance to her class and the rest of the students.  I also feel uncomfortable that Dayton is bullying a child on a daily basis.  My concern is not just for Dayton, but for the rest of the children in the classroom, especially their safety as well as his own.

I walked away from the meeting feeling as though no matter what I say, there will always be that unspoken insinuation that at the core of of Dayton's behavior problem is my parenting.  It has become exhausting to prove to your staff that I am a loving and caring parent, who is trying to instill values and morals in my child.

The drive home was very, very silent.  Dayton knew he was in trouble. 

As soon as we got home, I got him to go to his room so that I could clear my head.  I then asked him to join me at the kitchen table where we used Lisa Hurl's advice and "drew" Dayton's story.  I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.  The only questions I ask is who, what, where, when and how.  I am not allowed to ask why, and even if I did, Dayton would answer with an "I don't know."  As he answers my questions, I draw his answers, always asking "did I get this right?"   I drew the classroom, the door to the class, Mrs. D's desk, Dayton's desk (he tells me he sits alone with Mr. J?),  Pete and Odie's desk (he forgot where Jeff sits) and Johnny's desk.  Dayton showed me he walks around Mr. J and crosses the classroom to get to Johnny, flicks him in the head and crosses the classroom again to go outside and wait for the bus.  Because the boys "hate" Johnny, Dayton's perception is that the whole class "hates" Johnny.  Dayton also tells me that everyone laughs when he does this, instilling to him that he's doing the right thing as he wants to be funny.  Being funny is very important to Dayton.  He agrees that Mr. J and Mrs. D do not laugh, but the children do.  Again, I do not wish to take the blame off Dayton at all, or excuse his behavior, I am simply giving you what's going on in his head:  Jeff tells Dayton once a day to hurt Johnny, and Dayton listens to Jeff because Jeff is his "best friend."  When I got your note today, again his answer was "Jeff told me to," and "Jeff's my best friend."  I lost my patience and told him to get Jeff to prove he's Dayton's best friend by coming to talk to you and tell you how he gets Dayton to do things for him.  I doubt Dayton will ask him to, like I said, I just lost my patience.  I am human.  By the way...  not only was yesterday's note to me crumpled up, but Dayton also tried to forge my signature with a red pen.  He is grounded for 3 days...  no TV and no video games. 

As I've mentioned to you on the phone, I've bought you a book called Making sense of Children's Thinking and Behavior.  It's a short read, only 180 pages long, and it completely identifies with Dayton and how he thinks.  It has graphs to use and is super simple.  The author gives many examples of how to use the tools she has provided in her book.  I will place it in Dayton's back pack for you, and hope you look through it.  Feel free to lend it to Mrs. D and other staff involved in Dayton's learning and return it when you're done.  It took me one day to read it.

My plan for Dayton as a result of this meeting:
I have bought Dayton 3 joke books.  As discussed with you, I will put one of these books in his back pack for him to practice with Mr. J during the times that Dayton is not required to work.  I would like this book returned every night as we will continue reading it until we finish.  I read the jokes to Dayton, and then highlight the jokes he likes for him to read and memorize.  I've asked Dayton to practice these jokes on Mr. J, and once he's got them mastered, he can try telling his "friends" the joke.  I'm hoping this will distract him from trying to be funny by bullying Johnny.  Mr. J is more then welcome to continue reading this book with Dayton and highlight the jokes Dayton "gets" and likes, or practice the highlighted ones.

For his drawing, I bought Dayton a book called "The Boys Doodle Book."  I will work on this book with Dayton during the spring break, and put it in his back pack the first day back at school.  Perhaps this will distract Dayton from drawing guns.  Worth a shot.  I wish I had known about the gun obsession returning, as I would have dealt with it immediately.  He did receive a Nerf gun with foam bullets for his birthday from a well intended friend, it is now removed from his toy box.  He is also not allowed to play video games for 3 days, and then he will return to playing Mario Brothers only. 


I am sorry about the long winded email, but communication is very important and I want you to know I'm doing everything I possibly can to work with you.  


Lou Lovrin


I'm sure none of you will be surprised that I have received NO RESPONSE to this email.  I did however, get a note in Dayton's agenda written in red ink, thanking me for the book and she will be reading it during her "breaks."  Awesome!

As for the book that I bought for the school's staff, it deserves a post of its very own, and I will soon do that for you all.  It's an amazing book!!!



Consider yourselves hugged!

Lou 

I Am Ninety-Nine Percent Angel... But, Oh, That One Percent!!!

For once, I was actually looking forward to going to the interview with Dayton's teacher.  I really, really was!  The principal, while calling me with concerns regarding Dayton's behavior, has been assuring me that Dayton has been doing so much better than last year and that he has been working much harder than he has in the past.  Furthermore, Dayton had only had one in school suspension this year, as compared to being suspended and sent home for his suspension once a month like clockwork last year.  So I was expecting things to go well... 

Due to some recent emails flying about as a result of our CFS worker who is advocating on Dayton's behalf in the school system, I felt a little apprehensive about walking into this meeting alone.  (Brenda, our CFS worker is forcing an IEP meeting with the school division's special needs coordinator and all involved in Dayton's education to be present.  This will be the first time ever to have everyone together for Dayton's IEP meeting, which Dayton's school thinks is a waste of time).  So I invited Diana, Dayton's social worker from Children with Special Needs and Disabilities to tag along with us.  Thank God I did.

We get to the meeting on time, however Dayton's teacher is busy with other parents.  No problem.  Dayton is excited to show Diana and I his desk, so the three of us sit down and look through Dayton's portfolio.  With the exception of a few sheets of math work, I see nothing new since our conference in November.  There's a sheet of instructions for us to go to the gym for our child's video portfolio and then to the music class.  The three of us go for our tour.

When we get to the gym, we're told Dayton has not done his video.  Awkward...  We leave the gym and head out to the music class.  The door is locked.  Awkward...  Diana and I just kind of look at each other and tell Dayton to lead us back to his class to see what else we can find, crossing our fingers and hoping his teacher is available to see us now.

Mrs. D is waiting for us at the classroom door, and she's not smiling.  U-oh...  Should have been my first clue to run.  The three of us sit around a little half circle table in tiny little chairs.  I'm secretly wondering if I could quickly grab a second or a third one to make myself a little more comfortable.  The teacher began by asking if I have any questions...  Really?  So I ask why Dayton's portfolio has little more than what I saw in November...  She informs me that Dayton has done little work, preferring to play games and draw guns and play with paper figures.  Whaaaaaaat???

Then she informs me that Dayton is a bully.  Apparently my little man's been bugging one child in particular, on a regular basis, singling him out from the rest of the class.  A little boy, little Johnny, yes the same one with the back pack I talked about in my last post titled "I would if I Could But I Can't.  

Now, I have been aware that there has been a problem with this little boy in the past, as most of the phone calls I've received this year from the principal have been about Dayton and little Johnny.  Dayton has flushed little Johnny's toy down the toilet, Dayton bit little Johnny, Dayton bent four of little Johnny's fingers backwards...  Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...  At home, I do what I call "Drawing Dayton's Story."  I find it works well as Dayton is very visual, something very common with children on the spectrum.  All you need is a piece of paper and pen and be able to draw stick men.  That's about the extent of my artistic ability.  You need to have some background information on the situation, and ask the child questions, limiting the questions to:  who, what, where, when, and last question is how.  Never ask why as they just don't seem to be able to answer this question.  Whenever I ask Dayton "why," I always get an "I don't know."

Anyways, the last incident I had been aware of in terms of Dayton and Johnny, I drew Dayton's story out, then we drew a poster on bullying and wrote the word bully in a circle then drew a red line across it representing "no bullying."  I have the poster on the wall in the hallway across from Dayton's bedroom door, so every morning he sees the poster when he opens his door.  Since then, I had not heard any more bullying incidents.  When I drew out his story, it turns out there are three other children that really dislike little Johnny, and unfortunately, Dayton is wanting these little boys' acceptance.  Again, not an excuse, this is an explanation of what is going on in Dayton's mind.  The difference with typical children is that they will stop, think and evaluate the consequences vs the action and then decide what to do.  Dayton and most children on the spectrum don't have this ability if they have a deficit in impulse control as Dayton does.  So when little Jeff tells Dayton to do something, Dayton does it, because little Jeff is Dayton's friend.  He's not able to discern that little Jeff is taking advantage of Dayton and being entertained not only by little Johnny's misfortune, but also by Dayton's behavior and consequent punishment.

Getting back to Mrs D's concern of Dayton bullying little Johnny, I am dumbfounded.  I ask why I haven't received an email from her with this concern?  She tells me that if she had to email me of all of Dayton's behavioral issues, she would be writing a "Novella!"  "Excuse me?!  Are you suggesting that Dayton's behavior is impairing him from being "included..."
"Oh no, that's not it at all.  Dayton is included in everything unless he chooses not to be."  She completely misunderstood the intent of my comment, and yet she figures she's capable of understanding my child!!!  Grrrrrr...  She continues to tell me how if she was to email me on Dayton's behavior, all she would be doing is typing all day, and that I would feel picked on.  I'm thinking how this would be different from the way she's making me feel right now, but whatever.  She asks that I talk to Dayton about his behavior towards little Johnny.  When I tell her that I  have discussed this issue with Dayton in the past and that there are more children involved and began naming the said children, Mrs. D cuts me off and tells me that we're not going to discuss the other children and for me to discuss this further with Dayton at home.  Well then!  How am I supposed to explain what Dayton is thinking when you won't hear what I have to say?!  Also, I need specific examples of Dayton's behavior which Mrs. D is not able to provide me with, other than Dayton walks up to little Johnny and flicks him in the head...  That's it.  No more information.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  Helllllllooooooo???  I can't just discipline Dayton for 3 months of behavior I can not describe to him and educate him how to do things differently!!!

So we go home.  The ride home is very, very silent.  I'm confused.  What happened to all of Dayton's hard work the principal was telling me about?  What the hell?  Were we discussing my son or someone else?  When we get home, I tell Dayton to sit down at the kitchen table and get ready to tell me his story.  I pull out a sheet of paper and pen.  I begin by drawing his classroom, which is a simple big box with the teacher's desk and the door to the classroom.  And I begin the questions to finish the drawing of Dayton's story.

Where is your desk?  Who sits beside you?  Where is your teacher's desk?  Where is little Johnny's desk?  Who sits with little Johnny?  What subject is it?  How are you feeling?  Who are you listening to?  What is he/she telling you?  When do you walk up to Johnny?  Who do you pass by as you walk to him?  What do you do?  How does this make you feel?  How does this make you feel?  What does the class do when this happens?  Who's crying?  Who's happy?  Who's sad?  Who's laughing?  As Dayton answers my questions, I start drawing his answers and always ask:  "Like this?" to make sure I've got it right. 

Dayton's story:  Little Jeff asks him to flick little Johnny in the head every day.  Little Jeff, Pete and Odie don't like little Johnny, and since Dayton practically worships these little boys, his perception is that the whole entire class doesn't like little Johnny.  When Dayton's aid tells Dayton to get ready for the bus at the end of the day, Dayton walks around the aid, walks across the classroom to little Johnny, flicks him in the head, and all the children laugh.  This enforces to Dayton that he is doing the right thing and that the kids like him.  It is important to Dayton that he is liked and accepted, and he wants to be funny.

I do my best to explain to Dayton that there are other ways to be funny and liked.  I convince him that telling jokes is funny.  So off we go and buy some kid joke books.  I find 3 that he says he likes, and buy them.  Now to convince the school to allow Dayton to bring a joke book to school...  Off to "Mission Impossible!"

So again...  The idea of inclusion is a beautiful idea, but in reality, Dayton is experiencing cosmetic inclusion, not genuine, and believe you me, there IS a difference!!!  And why is it that the school only give the cosmetic inclusion to our kids?  Because they don't UNDERSTAND the autism spectrum!  I somehow need to fix this!!!



Consider yourselves hugged!

Lou

A Froot Loop In A World Full Of Cheerios

I posted a link to my last blog titled "CFS, Friend or Foe" on my facebook page, and got responses to the blog almost right away.  A friend who's  twelve year old daughter also has autism, had commented on how her daughter's school has not had an IEP in place for her daughter since grade one!  They seem to think it a waste of time, but not a waste of time to call CFS on her because her little girl is "too skinny."  How familiar this story is to me...

Dayton is a tall and skinny 9 year old.  I fret over making his lunches at school, worry about his weight all the time.  I'm a wee bit over weight, and could definitely stand to lose a few pounds.  I don't think I've met a woman that's ever been happy with her weight, but when I tell you I'm a wee bit overweight, believe it to be true.  I enjoy romantic walks to the fridge...

Dayton's father on the other hand stands very tall at 6'3" and is super lean.  Not skinny, he's "one of those people" we all love to hate.  The ones that can eat whatever they want, whenever they want and never have to work out, yet looks like he's a health nut and works out faithfully...  Grrrr...

Any how...  Here's the latest email from Dayton's school with my response:

The email from the school guidance counselor:

Good afternoon Lou

Just thought I'd check in with you re Dayton's start to the day as he has been saying that he doesn't eat his breakfast and is hungry as soon as he gets to school. What is your take on this?  Thanks for the feedback.

My response back to the school:

Hi Judy,

I've discussed your email with the principal this afternoon, as I was shocked to receive it.  I've also had the chance to discuss this with Dayton.

First, I'd like to assure you as I have assured the principal, Dayton eats breakfast every morning, and it's always the same breakfast as he won't eat anything else:  a nutella sandwich, with either tea or milk (most often he ignores the beverage).  He has this every morning at 7:15am, as it takes him 15 minutes to eat.  At 7:30am, he is asked to get his teeth and hair brushed, wash his face and get dressed for school.  This takes him another 20 minutes or so.  If he has enough time, he gets to watch "YTV" before heading off to school.  He gets picked up by the bus at 8am.  Would it make sense for him to be hungry when he gets to school?

I've discussed this with Dayton.  He tells me that he arrived at the school and you had asked him what he had for breakfast, and that he told you "nothing" as a joke?  Of course I'm not finding this amusing at all.  Speaking to the principal she was under the impression that you had tried to get him to do some work at which point he may have delayed the work by asking to eat first?  I'm not sure which happened...

His lunches are always the same, as he doesn't want anything else but meat, crackers, pudding or yogurt.  I always send him to school with a fruit, which sometimes he eats, sometimes he doesn't.  I used to send him to school with snap peas or celery sticks, but he used them in an offensive way in class (placing them between his legs) and he no longer gets them included in his lunches as Mrs. P. complained of his behavior.
 
Here's what I do know. 
When bed time arrives, Dayton will try to delay bed time by asking for a snack.  I've combated this by offering him a drink and a snack before announcing it is bed time.  If I am asking Dayton to do something he's not comfortable with or if it's something he doesn't like to do, he will ask for a snack.  I've combated this in the same way, by offering him a snack before the task.

I've just checked his lunch bag, and he still has an apple sauce and a package of bunny crackers.  So it appears he is getting more than enough food to take with him to school.  Every day he comes home from school, he has plenty of lunch left over, sometimes he doesn't even touch his lunch. 

On weekends, Dayton most often grazes.  I find he eats more because I don't need to give him the second Biphentin as necessary at school.  One of Biphentin's side effects is loss of appetite. 

There are times when Dayton is uncomfortable, and sometimes he copes with his discomfort by eating.  He takes after me in that respect, and thankfully has his father's metabolism.

I hope I've answered all of your questions. 

Lou

Her response back to me was "thank you."  Seriously!  These are the actual emails I had sent, with the exception of substituting the word principal for the principal's name and the changing Mrs. P's name. 

There's so many more emails I could share with you, but I thought I would share this one as it addresses my friend's concern on food and weight issues.  As a parent, I feel responsible for my child's behavior.  The school knows this, and they hold me accountable for his behavior.  It seems as a parent, that no matter what you say, do, or write, there is always that unspoken insinuation that at the core of the problem is your parenting.  Although there typically is no mention of the word "irritated," you can often sense the "tone" of the email coming through loud and clear as in this one from Dayton's principal:

Hi Lou,

Dayton and I are just talking about being kind to Jack. He just flushed one of Jack's toys down the toilet and Dayton will have to replace this toy. It is a little mini figure. He can describe it to you.

He continues to call Jack names and we have talked about this as well.

If you get a chance to call, Dayton is still with me.

Yes...  because I check my email every every minute of the day...  Fortunately for the principal, I do have my email set up to alert me immediately on my blackberry, so I'm aware of an email right away, as long as I have my blackberry with me that is.

Continuing on with some of the comments made on my facebook page regarding the link to this past blog, another friend had posted a link that may be of help to you if you have a picky eater.  Her little guy refused to eat veggies or anything remotely healthy, and so she tricked him by giving him a veggie burger shaped as Mickey Mouse...  Here's the link:   http://www.sobeyscorporate.com/sustainability/customers/compliments_junior_disney.html

Let me know via email at autism.diva.help@gmail.com or by commenting on this post if there is a topic you would like to discuss.  

Consider yourselves hugged!

Lou