I've recently read that our subconscious is where our beliefs stem from and it's the subconscious that actually guides our lives. Our subconscious is fully developed and on board immediately at birth, but our conscious thought process located in the frontal lobe... this conscious decision making process takes time to develop as the frontal lobe is not fully developed until we finish puberty. For example, the other day, Mike demanded our youngest stop playing his DS game immediately as he was getting dinner prepared at the kitchen counter, while John played his DS with his back to Mike... You can see where this is heading without my spelling it out for you (pardon the pun), and long story short, both my youngest and daddy ended up very, very upset. Mike's theory was he didn't need to give Johnny a warning as he could see Mike getting things set up for dinner and should have taken Mike's efforts AS his warning. I would like to add my boy is ten years old, and has not reached puberty yet. Clearly, John didn't compute or perhaps even notice, as normally we don't run behind schedule for dinner. It usually takes us about an hour or so to whip up dinner for seven, and so poor Johnny wasn't expecting dinner for at least an hour. He wasn't expecting dinner on the table in a few minutes.
Our consciousness is our overachieving brain meeting goals and deadlines, calculating 2+2=4 (yes, Johnny can figure this one out) looks up the map to figure out how to get from point A to point B, decides to set the alarm to ensure we don't sleep in for an important meeting, schedules dental appointments, etc. What this information means to us is that our beliefs come from the subconscious, and are based on other people's opinions and beliefs: our parents, neighbors, teachers, family members... anyone in contact with us until we hit puberty.
Our subconscious believes everything, for example the fat guy wearing a red suit breaks into our house by shimmying down the chimney to LEAVE us valuables rather than steal them. It's also about perception: how the person telling us this story looked (facial expressions, animated or standing still) and sounded (excited, scared, etc.) We are excited the big guy in red is breaking into our house because mom and dad were excited about the holiday, rather than scared out of our trees like normal people would be. Our subconscious believes church is bad and working hard generates income which we then turn around to give a small percentage to our church. Not happening says your subconscious and you don't go to church, or you heard adults talking about those damn bible thumpers knocking on their door very early on a Sunday morning again, pestering them when they were sleeping in. You don't want to be thought of as a bible thumper who won't let folks sleep in on a beautiful Sunday morning, so no church for you. But your subconscious also believes in FAITH. My mom said the big guy in red is leaving me a present so it must be true!!! So when we talk about God, our subconscious has made up it's mind whether we know it or not, based on our observations of others. Poor shame for you if you end up believing in God and have to keep it to yourself, embarrassed because your subconscious tells you people will mock you if they find out. It takes some work to realize you are living your life based on someone else's beliefs, and when you do, you must decide what you are going to do about it. Hiding your faith based on other's beliefs is a shame I'm glad I don't have to bear.
When Mike and I created Autism Winnipeg PACE, our subconscious told us it would be hard to gain members, hard to do events and have people attend them, hard to spread the word of what our goals are and hard to reach government to think about autism. Our subconscious saw people start autism facebook groups before, then watch them crumble and fall apart and in some cases close shop. Our subconscious saw other autism outreach organizations not return phone calls to people and saw a very small group of people gather together at a park for an autism awareness day walk organized by an organization in Winnipeg. It just wasn't something people are interested in said our subconscious. It also showed us autism groups not getting along and being unfriendly; it also showed us no one would donate money to their cause without a tax receipt...
Why would we start something we had no chance of building up to what we envisioned? Why bother organizing anything for people who our subconscious has shown us time and time again will only complain and possibly even hate? What's the point? The answer is simple: FAITH. What wasn't simple was HAVING FAITH. It Mike and I countless hours of bickering why to and why not to for many hours until I grabbed Mike's laptop and ohhhh, lookie here, his Facebook was opened and wow, here's a button to create a "group," and voila! We had to follow through now because if it's on Facebook, and if it is on Facebook, than that folks right there is true and real. Our subconscious told us so. So we had to dig deep and give faith a go!
I kept thinking of the movie Field of Dreams. I know, how cliche, every company and organization out there has used the slogan "If you build it, they will come" on their employees, volunteers, partners, helpers and leaders, to sell them on improvements and ideas. But you know what? That is FAITH. If you don't build it, no one will come because they will have nothing to come to. "So? If you build it they may not come either," says our subconscious because our parents told us not to waste our time on our hobbies and passions because our hobbies won't pay the bills. Aren't you glad Mohammed Ali, Tim Berners Lee, and Jesus had FAITH to follow their passions in order to change the world? I am! I couldn't reach out to y'all without the internet now could I?
Faith in anything is taking a risk, and risks are scary. It was scary for Mike and I to start Autism Winnipeg PACE, then a risk founding the non for profit PACE (Parents of Autistic Children Everywhere). Don't get me started on the Annual World Autism Awareness Day Walk and Rally right in front of the Legislature Building every April 2nd... We risked major ridicule, upsetting the government and really ticking off commuters as they had to wait for hundreds of people to cross the streets, interrupting their commute... But even before that, we risked no one showing up for the walk and rally. How humiliating would that be? We took many risks, having faith and ignored our subconscious beliefs of other people... and our family's and friends' opinions many, many, MANY times over. We put the events on Facebook, and so it was going to happen. FAITH!
Faith is precious and fragile. If you lose your faith, you stop taking risks and stop making a difference in your community. You are being, that is all. Marilyn Monroe has said: "Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." So while my faith has at times been truly shaken as in this past year, I refuse to "learn my lesson and be absolutely boring." Mike has supreme faith in Christmas, and makes Christmas puke right out our house into the front yard. And he ends up spending more money on the hydro bill than he does on donations to PACE (Our bill was $1000.00 for the month of December and donations came to $50. and something cents), but he has faith that one day, everyone will know about PACE and donate and then we will be able to do more things for the group; make a difference in our community. One day. Faith is not for sissies or the weak of heart (yes, another cliche just for you).
We have gone through so much these past two years as a family. Life took over and smashed our faith against the rocks over and over again, the waves of turmoil really working hard to kill whatever faith Mike and I had left in humanity. Some very serious and upsetting things that left me sitting on the sofa, crying and eating to suffocate my feelings for a life I felt lost to me and therefore meaningless, which in turn took a hit at my health as I had gained seventy pounds back of my eighty pound weight loss. One of the biggest stabs in my heart was an incredible betrayal by someone whom I considered my best friend, someone I loved as I would have loved my own sister. She was my person. You know, the one you would help bury a body bag if asked without question? Losing her made me lose faith in making another friend ever again. She/they went as far as making it extremely uncomfortable for my family and I to continue being involved in our church, of which Mike was a part of for 25 years. I kept on crying and eating (I wasn't kidding when I said months... six months to be exact).
I had tried to get back on track with my life and health by going back to work as I had taken a leave of absence for four months, and figured it would make me feel better. I even told my supervisor I was coming back and that I would be using the pharmacy to get me better, and if they were OK with that, than I was OK to come back to work. It didn't make me feel better. Sure, it kept my mind pre-occupied somewhat, but without faith in something bigger and better than me, my life was empty. I know, five kids, how on earth could my life be empty... but even my kids, whom I love more than life itself (just one last cliche just for you because admit it, you absolutely LOVE them!) could not fill that void faith had glowed beside my heart in. Mike tried to fill it too. But I had managed to suck away greedily at his faith too. My chest literally felt empty.
But then one day, I picked up a book. Please don't laugh, mock or judge the title, because it totally screams me.
I got this for a whopping $15.00 at Coles during a visit with my favorite people in the world, my outlaws Patsy and Leon, at a shopping trip in Brandon. We have talked about moving to Shilo for a few years now to be closer to my cool outlaws, leaving PACE to that friend of mine, you know the one who squashed my ripped out my heart and stomped on it? Ironic right? That's what blows my mind. She knew she would have Autism Winnipeg PACE upon our move, and yet... anyhow... Thank goodness Mike and I saw what we needed to before the move. Back to the point of bringing this book to your attention, this book has me feeling my faith again. I feel some heat beginning to stir where my faith used to burn so bright, it felt like it glowed right out of my chest. No, it's not a "Christian book" at all, it's a self help book I felt moved to get as since last September's series of "unfortunate events," I've doubted not only my faith, but myself as a person. Again, I'm not preaching anything, converting people to Christianity... Call it whatever you want: The Universe, Mother Earth, Source Energy, Goddess, The Lord, Buddha, The Grand Poobah, The Mother Load, Spirit, The Force, or what I connect with as God. But this isn't just about believing and being all high-vibe when the sun is out and the bunnies are hopping around either. This is about believing, even when things are at their most uncertain or absolute crappiest, that there is a bright shiny flip side within your reach. Anyhow, I digress again. The faith thing. I am not used to living without it. I'm kind of empty without it. And because I had been so closely connected in my church, teaching Sunday School, volunteering with anything and everything our good reverend wanted or needed, I lost track of God living inside ME, not a building I no longer felt my family was welcome in.
The book made me reach back into my past, when I fist felt that stir in my chest and peace of mind. Where I understood there were other forces in our lives I needed to have faith were right beside me, ready for me to let go and give control over to Him. Growing up rigidly Easter European Catholic, I started out with much snarkiness and eye rolling when I heard the word God. I figured I would put His word to practice to prove Him unreliable... The more I studied and practiced, the better I felt. Then I started believing in Him, and when I did, all these positive shifts took hold of my life. I was happy, kind, giving, comfortable with who I was and loving. That made me love Him, and I wanted to show Him, so I started teaching it. Remembering my history with faith before the building where I feel like someone crashing a party I wasn't invited to was important in regaining my faith.
Remembering my past faith, I remember trusting Him to do His will in my life. Wanting to move to Shilo to be closer to my outlaws, I tested my faith by quitting my job without finding a new one yet. How reckless and unlike me, I know, but how else was I going to move to Shilo? And how would I know if God meant this move to be, if it was His will for my family? It's not like I can commute two hours and fifteen minutes twice a day, and leaving my family during the week and coming home on the weekends was NOT an option. I decided I had FAITH I would find a job... wait for it... in two weekends! Yes, crazy though right? I had given two weeks notice at work, worked those weeks while emailing potential employers and setting up interviews in the evenings after work, then spent one weekend door knocking and delivering my emails as a follow up to the ones I had already emailed (I was done in one day, then kicked back and Netflixed the rest of the weekend), then went to Brandon again the last weekend of my employment and guess what? My faith paid off! I start my new job September 12th, right after my vacation and annual September long weekend camping trip with PACE. Next, Mike and I had to have faith we would find a house big enough to accommodate our family... We did. There is a family with seven children who had their home custom made to accommodate their large family. And, their family is growing, which is why they are selling their six year old home!
Our last leap of faith is to find key leaders to run the Autism Winnipeg PACE programs while Mike and I set up a Brandon chapter of PACE... wait for it... the name, drum roll please... Autism Brandon PACE. Why mess with perfection, mwahahahaha! We have faith we will find the leaders PACE needs for both chapters, and homes for the winter as well. If you yourself are interested in being a leader at either Autism Winnipeg PACE or Autism Brandon PACE, or know someone who would do great in such a place, please feel free to email me with contact information.
Consider yourselves hugged,
Lou
