Executive Decision Making

Divorce...  It's horrible.  He said, she said.  He hurt, she hurt.  He's right, she's right.  Friends who really are not friends (there's a message for you folks at the end of this post).  Money...   I've heard so much crap, my ears are constipated.  And who's left in the middle?  The child.

Divorce is hard enough as it is.  And for the child stuck in the middle, it's even harder.  Parents playing tug of war and using the poor kid as a pawn in the game of thrones happens because both parents figure they know their child best.  Each parent thinks they can do better than the other, and I'll be the first to admit that I feel I can do better than Dayton's dad.  And Dayton's dad thinks he can do better than I can.  Our so called 'mutual friends' are making things worse for Dayton's dad, 'spying' on me on Autism Diva Help and on facebook...  So here we are, with Dayton stuck in the middle.


Seeing my son go through pain is the hardest thing I think I've ever gone through. Especially when everything is out of my hands and I can't help control it (no, I'm not a control freak...  will explain in a bit).


Dentist appointments and child psychologist appointments done separately just doesn't work.  One of the parents needs to stay in charge of these medical issues, it should not be another thing to argue about.  The parent who primarily was in charge in the past should continue to remain in charge, because that is what's best for the child.  The parent who wasn't involved in past has every right to be involved, but should never just take the rains and go their own way because they feel they have "the right" to do this.

But that's a pipe dream.  In reality...  Well...  Oy vey...

Dayton's dad made a decision to take Dayton to the dentist, which I agreed should happen, as long as Dayton went to Children's Dental World which is known to have had good results with children on the autism spectrum.  Instead, Glen made an appointment for Dayton at a location of his choice, then cancelled the appointment because I was coming as I promised Dayton that both daddy and I would be there to support him.  Then when I was done arguing with Glen and text him that he should keep the dental appointment for Dayton as Dayton needed the appointment more than he needed mommy there, Glen re-schedules and then says I'm welcome to come?!  Oy vey...

Long story short, Glen tries to hush me as I explain to the receptionist that Dayton has high functioning autism and oral sensory issues...  No surprise to me, the dentist is not able to do much due to Dayton's sensory issues, including gag reflex.  His back molars may have cavities in them as Dayton's not able to brush the very back of his mouth.  Sooooo...  the dentist refers Dayton to Children's Dental World...  I know...

While this experience infuriated me, as Dayton had to go through discomfort for no reason other than his father's "right" to take him to a dentist, some good did come out of this.  I think his dad sees that I'm not trying to be a control freak.  I think he's starting to see that I am not looking at our son as a pawn in our life, and that while yes, I am a protective mother (my motto:  A mother would kill for her child, die for her child and forgive for her child...  I would do all three at the same time for my son's safety, health and happiness), I'm really not the pathetic, clingy ex-wife he's made me out to be.  I think he finally understands that I don't want him back in my life, and that what I really want is what's best for my baby.  While he may hate me, I think he finally sees that I do know what Dayton's limitations are and what he really needs...  At least that's what I'm choosing to walk away with this weekend.

Oh, and I've learned facebook is the devil.  It appears our mutual friends are adding fuel to the fire by sharing what I have to say on facebook with Dayton's dad.  For example:

My Divorce Party Cake

I'm sorry there are 'friends' out there that are offended by my sense of humour, but I thought this was hilarious!  At this time in my life, I need a good laugh.  I'm certainly not the first, nor will I be the last woman on earth going through a divorce.  To my 'concerned friends,' this too shall pass...  And, keep in mind, sometimes, when you try to help, you're actually making things worse.  Gossiping about me to Dayton's dad and telling them what my thoughts of the day are is really not helping him, it's just making him bitter.  While yes, it causes an argument between us, it is Dayton that pays the price for your stupidity.  Focus your energies on helping the guy, not making him feel worse.  So...  You don't like what I have to say, don't look at my work.  It's really that simple.  In the mean time...
Consider yourselves hugged,


Lou

Are You NORMAL Enough?

If there's one thing that grates on my nerves, it's hearing "Oh, he looks so normal!  I see nothing wrong with him...  You're being too hard on him."

And then Dayton does something that hurts someone.  And discipline is expected.  And I don't wanna give it.  And I see other kids not being disciplined for hurting my son.  And I don't like it.  And the other kids annoy the ever living $#@! out of me.  And the kids actually look for things to get Dayton in trouble.

No, I'm not imagining things.  Before Dayton got grounded, his little seven year old buddy came running in tow with another kid whining that "Dayton picked his nose and wiped his finger on his pants."  Seriously?!  Sitting with his mom, I looked him straight in the eye and said:  "Seriously?!  That's what you came to squeal on Dayton for?  Get out of here!"  His mom, my friend, did NOT look impressed.  Oh well.   I'm tired of the chihuahua barking at my heals, telling me every single time Dayton goes pee, wipes his face, or picks his nose.  Enough already.  Maybe I'm getting fed up with kids in general, or maybe it's the stress talking.  I have been going through quite a bit of stress lately, haven't I...

Anyways...  Yes, Dayton looks normal.  He's a beautiful child, with blond hair and light green eyes, almost blue.  Doesn't change the fact he has autism.  That's why it's called a spectrum.  Dayton fits on the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum (diagnosed with PDD-NOS), but less functioning than someone with aspergers syndrome.  He is cognitively delayed, which means it takes Dayton twice as long to learn something, which means he's behind academically, which means he needs more help in communicating, etc...

Maybe I am a little more protective of him than the average mom.  Maybe I am a little more apprehensive of letting him play outside with his friends without me being present.  Maybe I am a little more anal retentive than I should be.  Maybe I intervene too much with his friends in order to prevent a physical fight or melt down for Dayton.

It's even more frustrating when a friend tells me that I'm too involved with Dayton's play with his friends, or that maybe this is just who Dayton is...  it's a personality "thing."

Really?  A personality thing?  Seriously? 

I hate the term 'normal,' but here we go...

Dayton is cognitively delayed, making him academically behind his peers, yet he is normal enough to know it and feel embarrassed enough to have a melt down.

Dayton's communication skills are delayed, and he has a problem expressing his feelings to others, yet he is normal enough to know when his peers are getting annoyed with him, interrupting him constantly so he can't finish telling them what his problem is, which makes him blow up and throw a fit.

Dayton's got swag like his big mamma.  We tend to trip over air, which means he's not very coordinated and he's normal enough to know that the kids are laughing at him.  This makes him not want to participate in playing sports like soccer.

Dayton needs to be explained the rules to a game, or he'll make his own.  If you break the rules, he freaks.  And he's not "normal" enough to understand that people break rules and cheat ALL the time...

Dayton can't handle loud music, it hurts his ears!  He has sensory issues that most of us don't.  What would you do in order to avoid pain?

These are just five examples, there are many more.  But I'm sure you get the idea.

Personality types are completely different from deficits.  Just sayin.  Like my personality...  I'm a giver, a care taker and a fixer.  I have to fix everything and everyone.  If someone's sad, I have to get them to smile.  I'm a people pleaser, and can't stand it when I feel someone doesn't like me.  I mean come on!  I'm awesome, right?!  As a parent, I don't want my boy being looked upon as a trouble maker or a bad kid.  That's my 'personality.'  I know that sometimes I can be overbearing, and that's OK.  I know as I'm doing it that it's something I can continue or should stop and I can.  Dayton on the other hand has no control over his 'personality.'  That's the difference.

Anyways...


Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou

The Way He Should Go, Deep Thoughts By Lou Lovrin

Train up a child in a way he should go:  and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

Ouch.  I read this over and over and over again, asking God "How?"  Yes, I speak to God, on a daily basis.  Don't worry, it's a one way conversation, so drop the phone, no need to call 911 or CFS.

As a loving mother, I know my son needs guidance, and he depends on me to teach him right from wrong.  I work hard at molding him into a good man, and want him to be a happy, productive and a contributing member of society.  I think all parents want the same for their children, but now we throw autism into the mix...  How do we do this with autism?  There are certain things I fear Dayton won't experience, such as graduating from high school, college or university, dating, marriage, children, friends, family...

Train up a child in a way he should go.  Not how I want him to go, but in a way he should go...  If Dayton chose not to marry and have children of his own, and yet was happy, would that hurt me or him?  If Dayton wasn't able to graduate with a regular grade 12 diploma, but was able to apprentice in a trade and complete the apprenticeship, get his "red seal," be able to work anywhere he desired, and was happy, would it really be the end of the world?

As parents, we have a preconceived notion of what our child's path in life should be.  We plan their lives out for them, thinking of things that make US happy, believing it will make our child happy too. 

I remember talking about trusting God's plans with a very dear friend of mine, whom I respect as my own mother, and her husband as my own father.  Kathleen had tried to assure me that there are things I simply need to trust the Lord with, things that are out of my control.  One of them being Dayton and his future.  We had this conversation about five years ago, and I think mom was trying to explain to me that my plan may not be God's plan for Dayton.  Maybe God has a bigger and better plan for Dayton and  myself.  In order for God's plan to reveal itself, I need to let go of my own selfish desires for Dayton, and have faith in God...  It's either God has a divine purpose for my babe and I, or the pain medication is messing with me...  I'd like to believe the first.

I truly believe God places people in our lives for a reason.  It is His plan for us to have met the people we have in our lives.  God uses us in His plans.  He is using Dayton in His plan, and me too.  Now, the control freak show that I am, if I could just let go of the control and leave our future in God's hands...  I think I'm going to have to call mom...


As Kathleen's husband, dad says:  Consider yourselves hugged,

Lou