I keep hearing this song over and over and over in my mind lately: "Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name: JESUS, blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name..."
A very dear friend to my heart had messaged me via facebook and apologized for not meeting me for coffee when he had the chance. In his message to me, well... I should just share a part of it...
"I read your blog, I read your (facebook) status updates... it is amazing to me what you have in your past and in your present been through, and do you give up... hell no, you raise to the challenge..."
I had taken a few days to mull over what he was saying to me, but naturally, the man was impatient and wanted a response. I wasn't quite ready to respond, but felt I had to and hurt my my dear friend's feelings...
I had to keep reading the above paragraph over and over and the more I read it, the more intimidated I got by the woman my friend was talking about. I mean, wow, she seems really amazing! But this woman is not me. I'm not strong, not at all. I'm just as whiny and irritated by life as the next woman. Just ask Dayton's dad. Well, maybe don't. He'll tell you horror stories and y'all gonna think I'm nuts... Isn't it funny how two people can look at the exact same person and see someone totally different? Glen wonders out loud when "they're" going to name a hurricane after me, and then there's my dear friend Dan who thinks I'm this amazing, wonderful human being... Then there's me who knows the truth: I always carry a little crazy with me. You just never know when it's going to come in handy, ya'know?
Anyways... My point. Menopause brain at it's finest here... My point is that I'm not alone, EVER. I'm always praying. And say what you will about God having been taken out of schools, at the end of the day, as long as students are being tested, people will be praying. Not just the students taking the test, but the moms and dads out there and teachers too! Many people out there who have professed to not believe in God, sure call His name out often. Me thinks they be called hypocrites.
No matter what I do during the course of the day, I silently pray for guidance. There are days where I want to hurt people's feelings with a chainsaw, but I remind myself that that's just not appropriate and I must obey the Lord. Remember those bracelets kids used to wear, reminding them "what would Jesus do?" I think we need to bring those back. I've fallen off the wagon, especially with Glen, and snapping that bracelet would put me back in check.
I think that sometimes, you need to step outside of the person you've been, and think about the person God has meant for you to be. You know, the person you WANT to be - the person you truly are once stripped down to your naked self. Remind yourself of what is truly important in your life. Reach way, way down, and you will know it. It may take some time, but you'll get there.
It turns out that for me, my relationship with God is far more important than my relationships with people. I have made a real mess of things when I worry about others liking me, but when I focus on pleasing God, and doing what I can to be likeable to Him, others tend to like me more than they had when I worked really hard at getting them to like me. My relationship with God is unconditional, He never leaves my side. I talk to him all the time. This relationship is what gives me what I need to keep going. I don't have a choice. I can't just give up and walk away, it's not something God would want me to do.
My struggles with accepting autism as a way of life for my family could not have been overcome without the guidance of the Lord. He gives me strength and helps me accept what I can not change. I trust that He gives me what I need, and provides me only with what I need. So, I guess that makes me low maintenance? Hahaha! The more I pray, the more at peace I am.
So, my response back to Dan, well part of it:
"Dayton is the air I breath, and I would die for him. Whatever he needs, I will always provide, no matter what. He always comes first. And let's not forget about God. With Him, all things are possible. I truly believe God has a purpose for my son, something incredible. I know that this autism thing has a higher purpose, and that my struggle is not in vain. You know what I mean? I think God gives us "opportunities," and some of them are pretty tough, but it's up to us to take these "opportunities" and either make something out of them or crash and burn. I choose to make something out of this for Dayton and I, make a life that we can reflect back to God. I prayed for a son, and He gave me one, and I swore that I would give my son right back to him. God's given me a beautiful son, and it's my job to raise him in His image...
Thank you for thinking of me and encouraging me. I especially thank you for your prayers... God is hearing them, as my life with Dayton is good!!"
As my dad Paul Humphreys taught me to say: Consider yourselves hugged!
Lou
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Destination Home
We had a lay over in Edmonton on our way to BC. During our hour and a half wait in Edmonton, I figured we should probably grab a bite to eat for lunch and maybe have a coffee. As we sat at a table with our subs and drinks, I glanced over to the table next to us. There sat two pilots, who gave us a friendly nod and a smile. One of them turned to Dayton and asked where his destination was.
In his monotone voice used when he's not sure what's appropriate Dayton says: "I'm going to BC." Less then a minute later he says: "Because my grandpa is dying." He said it so matter of factly, like he was telling someone he's going to eat his sandwich.
If there is such a thing as a 'Stop Button' for conversations, I think that that was it right there. Astonished into speechlessness, the pilots just sat there dumbstruck. Slowly, they turned their faces away from us, mumbling something like "I'm sorry for your troubles..." I mean, what do you say to something like that?
As for me, I was struck by Dayton's way of thinking, his way of looking at things as white and black with no emotion. The sky is blue, not black... In my moment of sadness, I couldn't help but wonder if Dayton's missing a 'sensitivity chip' or something. How can he not feel? I thought back to my conversation with Dayton's school, where I was told that yes, Dayton had told them about his grandpa dying, but because he was still smiling and carrying on as he usually does, they weren't sure if this was actually the case. Now I got to see it first hand...
Not only that, but I also realized just how delayed Dayton is... Dayton is turning ten in February, and he speaks more like a five year old, with that call it as you see it innocence. If you're a parent and remember your child as a five year old, you know exactly what I mean... "Mamma, wow! Look mamma, look!!! That guy's covered in tattoos and his hair is pink!!! Look at those chains!" He's still in that narrow window of life where he hasn't learned the art of tactfulness...
But then we got to Vancouver and got the news of grandpa Jerry's passing... Glen got the news first directly from his sister. He was beside himself, crying. Then I began to cry and couldn't stop. And then I looked over at Dayton. I was struck by his smallness... He was really just a little boy, who either a) finally understood what's happened, or b) got freaked out by his dad and his mom both crying and instead of seeing them on guard, he saw them trying to give each other comfort, reassuring each other that there's nothing they could have done differently... Who could have predicted how quickly grandpa Jerry would go... Dayton's dam of tears broke... and broke my heart further...
Autism... such misconceptions of people with autism not having feelings... and I myself almost wondered this too. My son has feelings, he just doesn't understand them as well as we do.
Considering myself hugged,
Lou
In his monotone voice used when he's not sure what's appropriate Dayton says: "I'm going to BC." Less then a minute later he says: "Because my grandpa is dying." He said it so matter of factly, like he was telling someone he's going to eat his sandwich.
If there is such a thing as a 'Stop Button' for conversations, I think that that was it right there. Astonished into speechlessness, the pilots just sat there dumbstruck. Slowly, they turned their faces away from us, mumbling something like "I'm sorry for your troubles..." I mean, what do you say to something like that?
As for me, I was struck by Dayton's way of thinking, his way of looking at things as white and black with no emotion. The sky is blue, not black... In my moment of sadness, I couldn't help but wonder if Dayton's missing a 'sensitivity chip' or something. How can he not feel? I thought back to my conversation with Dayton's school, where I was told that yes, Dayton had told them about his grandpa dying, but because he was still smiling and carrying on as he usually does, they weren't sure if this was actually the case. Now I got to see it first hand...
Not only that, but I also realized just how delayed Dayton is... Dayton is turning ten in February, and he speaks more like a five year old, with that call it as you see it innocence. If you're a parent and remember your child as a five year old, you know exactly what I mean... "Mamma, wow! Look mamma, look!!! That guy's covered in tattoos and his hair is pink!!! Look at those chains!" He's still in that narrow window of life where he hasn't learned the art of tactfulness...
But then we got to Vancouver and got the news of grandpa Jerry's passing... Glen got the news first directly from his sister. He was beside himself, crying. Then I began to cry and couldn't stop. And then I looked over at Dayton. I was struck by his smallness... He was really just a little boy, who either a) finally understood what's happened, or b) got freaked out by his dad and his mom both crying and instead of seeing them on guard, he saw them trying to give each other comfort, reassuring each other that there's nothing they could have done differently... Who could have predicted how quickly grandpa Jerry would go... Dayton's dam of tears broke... and broke my heart further...
Autism... such misconceptions of people with autism not having feelings... and I myself almost wondered this too. My son has feelings, he just doesn't understand them as well as we do.
Considering myself hugged,
Lou
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
... And Somehow, I've Become UNREASONABLE
Kids... they definitely need to come with a warning label: "I am exactly like my father." Sorry dads, but in my case it really is true.
After our visit with Charlie-Anne (my step daughter), I've come to see just how much Glen's kids are just like him. I honestly thought it was just Dayton, and seeing as how he is my only child, I now see just how naive I've really been...
I love Charlie to death, I really do. There's little I wouldn't do for that girl. I gave her my sweet sixteen family daughter ring, did all her laundry, brought her meals to the table, did all the dishes, and when I wasn't doing that, I spent every available waking moment with her, making sure she didn't get bored. When she left us, I felt like she took a chunk of my heart right along with her. I miss her like crazy and can't stop thinking about her since she's gone back to Regina last Thursday.
I wish I could say our entire two week visit was flawless, but she is fifteen, a teenager. You know there will be some disputes, especially since we just met her last September for the first time since she was two years old.
Dayton loves her to pieces too, and when she showed a wee bit more attention to his little buddy, he got a wee bit jealous. Of course, since he doesn't understand his feelings, he's not able to say what the problem is, and decides to push his little buddy in the pool in a fit of jealously, rather than try to talk out something he doesn't understand.
Some of the similarities I noticed the kids have with their dad is that none of them want to "talk" about their feelings or what they're thinking. When upset, they prefer to hide out and have a fit. They all pout in the same way. They prefer to learn things the hard way rather than seeing a simpler solution, they value money more than anything else, and they don't feel comfortable with affection or intimacy. How am I to survive this when I'm a touchy, lovey kind of gal? I love hugging both of the kids and kissing them good night. I refuse to go to bed angry or upset and don't want to be responsible for someone going to bed in this state of mind either, so talking things out is important to me. The learning things in a more difficult way I can deal with, providing they're learning. But when it comes to love and the emotional side of things, and preferring "things" over "love"... how do I deal with that and still be me?
As a teenager, Charlie-Anne things of me as... wait for it... OVERPROTECTIVE. Oh my gosh! Furthermore, her friend who happens to be my best friend's daughter AGREES with her and so does my best friend! Oh my goodness, I feel another brain aneurysm coming on. And to think, all I did was ask where they were off to and what time they'd be home and showing a little apprehensiveness about Charlie-Anne meeting up with a boy and ending up in the wrong part of the city, and asking for her not to go alone anywhere in the dark... I joked around a lot about it, but it seems no one thought I was funny... Ugh. Well hell's bells... If anyone needs to know anything, call a teenage girl. It seems they know everything. Should save us a lot on college and university. It appears my life experience and yours amounts to nothing of importance.
Seems another mistake I've made during our visit was trying too hard to please her by hugging her and embarrassing her so that she would know she was a part of our family and had a place in our home. Jeez! All I did was hug her in public and when she showed interest in a boy, I asked him if he thought she was pretty and asked him for his phone number. Well, at least she was pleased with me getting the phone number... I did something right!!! Wooooo-hoooooooo!!! Little does she know I did it as a joke. I do it to my best friend all the time. Back fired on me now, didn't it. I bet the little schmuck is calling or texting her as we speak.
To answer your question, after years of observation, multiple hypothesis, well-structured analysis and deeply reviewed interpretations, my friends and apparently Charlie have finally came to the conclusion that I'M NOT NORMAL. I like my children safe and sound. I like to make sure they're not bored and are having a good time. I like to make sure that when they venture out at night when it's dark that they don't do it alone, and I enjoy 'family time,' playing games like bocci ball, croquet and swimming. I want them to know how much I love them, and give them all the attention I humanly can. I also think that a boy must pass a breathalyzer, drug test, lie detector, back-ground check and psych evaluation in order to qualify for a first date with my girl. It seems that this is not what a responsible, loving, caring step parent or parent is supposed to do. We're supposed to give our children freedom to do as they choose and go wherever they please at any time they want. I'm not suppose to worry about them getting hurt or kidnapped. Oooops. My mistake.
I've learned some things about me during our visit with Charlie-Anne though. Even with our opposing views on how I should 'behave,' I love her no matter what. When she was unhappy, I cried in private. I love her a tiny, smidgen, half a millimeter less then I love my own son, something Dayton's not crazy about, but I can't help myself. I think she's the most beautiful girl on the face of this planet. I think she deserves more than I can give her, and whether she likes it or not, I don't think there's a male on this planet that is good enough for her. I suppose I love her as though she was my own daughter. She somehow completes my family, and without her, I feel truly sad. I just wish she had a little more patience for me and how I think. Speaking about the way they think...
I've been trying to teach Dayton how to tie his shoes for the past three years. I figured the easiest way was to teach him the two bunny ears way, you know, the two loops, cross them and flip one 'bunny ear' into the whole and voila! You have a tied shoe. He just couldn't get the hang of it.
After coming home from shopping for school supplies for both Dayton and Charlie, I asked Charlie if she wouldn't mind showing Dayton how to tie his shoes, as Dayton desperately wanted to wear his new shoes outside and show his buddies. I told him if he learned how to tie them, he could wear them... Charlie showed him once and taught him for a whole five minutes... and Dayton tied his shoes!!! Wow!!! He really did it!!! I was thrilled!!! I watched him tie his shoes and thought the way he did it was tricky, but Charlie-Anne said that she thought the bunny ears way was too tricky... Obviously, so did Dayton, and so does their dad... Way too many similarities. The only difference between Charlie-Anne and Dayton is Dayton's pervasiveness over words, toys and activities. Also, Dayton's communication skills are obviously weaker and his understanding of feelings.
Now if I can just get the girl to understand my feelings... Walking away from this vacation, I learned that raising children is like raising monkeys on acid. You just don't know what they're thinking and have no idea what they're going to say or do next. All you know is that you should brace yourself, cause it's gonna be a roller coaster ride. Autism or no autism, children are wild!
Consider yourselves hugged,
Lou
After our visit with Charlie-Anne (my step daughter), I've come to see just how much Glen's kids are just like him. I honestly thought it was just Dayton, and seeing as how he is my only child, I now see just how naive I've really been...
I love Charlie to death, I really do. There's little I wouldn't do for that girl. I gave her my sweet sixteen family daughter ring, did all her laundry, brought her meals to the table, did all the dishes, and when I wasn't doing that, I spent every available waking moment with her, making sure she didn't get bored. When she left us, I felt like she took a chunk of my heart right along with her. I miss her like crazy and can't stop thinking about her since she's gone back to Regina last Thursday.
I wish I could say our entire two week visit was flawless, but she is fifteen, a teenager. You know there will be some disputes, especially since we just met her last September for the first time since she was two years old.
Dayton loves her to pieces too, and when she showed a wee bit more attention to his little buddy, he got a wee bit jealous. Of course, since he doesn't understand his feelings, he's not able to say what the problem is, and decides to push his little buddy in the pool in a fit of jealously, rather than try to talk out something he doesn't understand.
Some of the similarities I noticed the kids have with their dad is that none of them want to "talk" about their feelings or what they're thinking. When upset, they prefer to hide out and have a fit. They all pout in the same way. They prefer to learn things the hard way rather than seeing a simpler solution, they value money more than anything else, and they don't feel comfortable with affection or intimacy. How am I to survive this when I'm a touchy, lovey kind of gal? I love hugging both of the kids and kissing them good night. I refuse to go to bed angry or upset and don't want to be responsible for someone going to bed in this state of mind either, so talking things out is important to me. The learning things in a more difficult way I can deal with, providing they're learning. But when it comes to love and the emotional side of things, and preferring "things" over "love"... how do I deal with that and still be me?
As a teenager, Charlie-Anne things of me as... wait for it... OVERPROTECTIVE. Oh my gosh! Furthermore, her friend who happens to be my best friend's daughter AGREES with her and so does my best friend! Oh my goodness, I feel another brain aneurysm coming on. And to think, all I did was ask where they were off to and what time they'd be home and showing a little apprehensiveness about Charlie-Anne meeting up with a boy and ending up in the wrong part of the city, and asking for her not to go alone anywhere in the dark... I joked around a lot about it, but it seems no one thought I was funny... Ugh. Well hell's bells... If anyone needs to know anything, call a teenage girl. It seems they know everything. Should save us a lot on college and university. It appears my life experience and yours amounts to nothing of importance.
Seems another mistake I've made during our visit was trying too hard to please her by hugging her and embarrassing her so that she would know she was a part of our family and had a place in our home. Jeez! All I did was hug her in public and when she showed interest in a boy, I asked him if he thought she was pretty and asked him for his phone number. Well, at least she was pleased with me getting the phone number... I did something right!!! Wooooo-hoooooooo!!! Little does she know I did it as a joke. I do it to my best friend all the time. Back fired on me now, didn't it. I bet the little schmuck is calling or texting her as we speak.
To answer your question, after years of observation, multiple hypothesis, well-structured analysis and deeply reviewed interpretations, my friends and apparently Charlie have finally came to the conclusion that I'M NOT NORMAL. I like my children safe and sound. I like to make sure they're not bored and are having a good time. I like to make sure that when they venture out at night when it's dark that they don't do it alone, and I enjoy 'family time,' playing games like bocci ball, croquet and swimming. I want them to know how much I love them, and give them all the attention I humanly can. I also think that a boy must pass a breathalyzer, drug test, lie detector, back-ground check and psych evaluation in order to qualify for a first date with my girl. It seems that this is not what a responsible, loving, caring step parent or parent is supposed to do. We're supposed to give our children freedom to do as they choose and go wherever they please at any time they want. I'm not suppose to worry about them getting hurt or kidnapped. Oooops. My mistake.
I've learned some things about me during our visit with Charlie-Anne though. Even with our opposing views on how I should 'behave,' I love her no matter what. When she was unhappy, I cried in private. I love her a tiny, smidgen, half a millimeter less then I love my own son, something Dayton's not crazy about, but I can't help myself. I think she's the most beautiful girl on the face of this planet. I think she deserves more than I can give her, and whether she likes it or not, I don't think there's a male on this planet that is good enough for her. I suppose I love her as though she was my own daughter. She somehow completes my family, and without her, I feel truly sad. I just wish she had a little more patience for me and how I think. Speaking about the way they think...
I've been trying to teach Dayton how to tie his shoes for the past three years. I figured the easiest way was to teach him the two bunny ears way, you know, the two loops, cross them and flip one 'bunny ear' into the whole and voila! You have a tied shoe. He just couldn't get the hang of it.
After coming home from shopping for school supplies for both Dayton and Charlie, I asked Charlie if she wouldn't mind showing Dayton how to tie his shoes, as Dayton desperately wanted to wear his new shoes outside and show his buddies. I told him if he learned how to tie them, he could wear them... Charlie showed him once and taught him for a whole five minutes... and Dayton tied his shoes!!! Wow!!! He really did it!!! I was thrilled!!! I watched him tie his shoes and thought the way he did it was tricky, but Charlie-Anne said that she thought the bunny ears way was too tricky... Obviously, so did Dayton, and so does their dad... Way too many similarities. The only difference between Charlie-Anne and Dayton is Dayton's pervasiveness over words, toys and activities. Also, Dayton's communication skills are obviously weaker and his understanding of feelings.
Now if I can just get the girl to understand my feelings... Walking away from this vacation, I learned that raising children is like raising monkeys on acid. You just don't know what they're thinking and have no idea what they're going to say or do next. All you know is that you should brace yourself, cause it's gonna be a roller coaster ride. Autism or no autism, children are wild!
Consider yourselves hugged,
Lou
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)